Knotorious
That Guy With The Face
The sink in my apartment's kitchen randomly overflowed hugely yesterday after the guy above me went buck wild with his trash compacter. When the overflow finally stopped, the nasty ass brown water, mixed with the fine sediment of food that was pulverized somewhere in 1999, receded into the drain gradually over a few hours, leaving a heavy deposit of granulated foodstuffs on my stainless steel sink basin. It's nothing short of disgusting. Now I have to make my apartment presentable for the maintenance people. It just never stops. I feel like bad fortune is targeting me...again...again...again. Many will say that you make your own luck -- and there's definitely some truth to that. I'm not laying around idle, watching time fly by. I'm an active participant in my own life; at least I am lately. When things begin to look their bleakest, it's easy to gravitate towards dissociation from all that is real. At least for me it is.
But dissociating only leads to further stagnation and a gradual, but pronounced loss of willpower. So, I avoid doing so at all costs. I just spent the last few days completely absorbing myself into documentaries about all manners of things on YouTube. I pay a monthly fee so that I don't get accosted by commercials; it's well worth it. I just snapped out of it; I had been dissociating hard. While those documentaries were playing, my cognition was able to reorient to thinking about the bigger picture and to become familiar with the wide variety of issues that plague mankind on this planet. It provided a stark juxtaposition between my personal suffering and the countless sufferings of other people worldwide, which, if I'm being honest, made my issues pale in comparison to theirs.
Ultimately, though, I have to care about "number one:" myself. There's nobody fighting my fight except myself. I have to remember that, while dissociation can provide some important reality checks, why am I focusing on other people right now? I should be vehemently and passionately focused on myself. This is not to say that I believe I shouldn't help other people. The dissociation gave me profound perspective; it could be so much worse. I need to take control of myself, empower myself, educate myself, and pursue something -- anything -- which might provide me with legitimate work at legitimate pay. I need stability more than anything, and it's been a long time since I've had it. That isn't to say that I have been unstable, but more of an allusion to how genuinely unfortunate my life has been so far. I'm also not blaming life experiences for my current strife; I take full responsibility for who I am and where I am today.
I only learned just very recently how to (mostly) stop caring what people think about me; especially online. I used to want to be everyone's friend; but then I realized my only true friend was myself. The only problem was that I was still my own worst enemy. But that has since changed and I'm a short term pessimist and a long term optimist It will get harder before it gets easier. I hold the world's largest short position on "regret" and I'm ready to sell on the yearly low for that asset, so that I can generate a black swan event and open up a massive long position in "success" and collect dividends.
But dissociating only leads to further stagnation and a gradual, but pronounced loss of willpower. So, I avoid doing so at all costs. I just spent the last few days completely absorbing myself into documentaries about all manners of things on YouTube. I pay a monthly fee so that I don't get accosted by commercials; it's well worth it. I just snapped out of it; I had been dissociating hard. While those documentaries were playing, my cognition was able to reorient to thinking about the bigger picture and to become familiar with the wide variety of issues that plague mankind on this planet. It provided a stark juxtaposition between my personal suffering and the countless sufferings of other people worldwide, which, if I'm being honest, made my issues pale in comparison to theirs.
Ultimately, though, I have to care about "number one:" myself. There's nobody fighting my fight except myself. I have to remember that, while dissociation can provide some important reality checks, why am I focusing on other people right now? I should be vehemently and passionately focused on myself. This is not to say that I believe I shouldn't help other people. The dissociation gave me profound perspective; it could be so much worse. I need to take control of myself, empower myself, educate myself, and pursue something -- anything -- which might provide me with legitimate work at legitimate pay. I need stability more than anything, and it's been a long time since I've had it. That isn't to say that I have been unstable, but more of an allusion to how genuinely unfortunate my life has been so far. I'm also not blaming life experiences for my current strife; I take full responsibility for who I am and where I am today.
I only learned just very recently how to (mostly) stop caring what people think about me; especially online. I used to want to be everyone's friend; but then I realized my only true friend was myself. The only problem was that I was still my own worst enemy. But that has since changed and I'm a short term pessimist and a long term optimist It will get harder before it gets easier. I hold the world's largest short position on "regret" and I'm ready to sell on the yearly low for that asset, so that I can generate a black swan event and open up a massive long position in "success" and collect dividends.
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