R
Rotax Robert
Guest
now thats funny 
, here's some for the high crime area where these are stolen from.
, here's some for the high crime area where these are stolen from.
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 12K
- Views 509K
F
Frans
Guest
Hell Explained
HELL EXPLAINED BY A
CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
~~~
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
HELL EXPLAINED BY A
CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
~~~
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
sotc
Dormant hero!!
ha
sawinredneck
Treehouser
This one killed me!!!!!
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraqand Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraqand Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
T
The Branch Doctor
Guest
Hell yeah, fill er up.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Contemplating a New Year tattoo in that fashionable area above the buttocks? To help you along, Australians have given them a not-so-fashionable name: "arse antlers".
J
JamesTX
Guest
Tramp Stamp
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Symbol
Ineternational Symbol of Marriage
Ineternational Symbol of Marriage
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Three blondes decide to go ice fishing one day. So, they pack up all their equipment and find a nice place where they think they'll catch some fish.
The first blond cautiously moves out onto the ice, making sure it's safe and that she won't sink, and starts to chop a hole into the ice.
Out of nowhere a voice booms "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
All three blondes gasp in wonder, thinking that it's the voice of God or something.
The second blond moves out onto the ice and starts chopping. Again, the voice speaks:
"PLEASE LEAVE; THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The three blondes are even more amazed, and the third one cautiously moves out onto the ice, starting to chop a hole through it. A final time, the voice speaks.
"THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
The first blond cautiously moves out onto the ice, making sure it's safe and that she won't sink, and starts to chop a hole into the ice.
Out of nowhere a voice booms "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
All three blondes gasp in wonder, thinking that it's the voice of God or something.
The second blond moves out onto the ice and starts chopping. Again, the voice speaks:
"PLEASE LEAVE; THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The three blondes are even more amazed, and the third one cautiously moves out onto the ice, starting to chop a hole through it. A final time, the voice speaks.
"THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
T
The Branch Doctor
Guest
I thought everybody knew about the tramp stamp.
Confession: I like it when I see one on a hottie.
Lord, I apologize.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
<fju>
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
hahahah! beauty!
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
I saw a billboard today that said:
"Need help? Call Jesus."
1-800-005-3787
...Out of curiosity I did.
A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
"Need help? Call Jesus."
1-800-005-3787
...Out of curiosity I did.
A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
sotc
Dormant hero!!
hahaha
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Ole Bessie
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. 'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Then da Patrolman he came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?''
'Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. 'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Then da Patrolman he came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?''
'Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'
vharrison
Island Girl
Rotax, you tell good jokes!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
GASoline71
'cause chicks dig scars
LMAO...
...hey Butch... You gots new smilies!
Gary
...hey Butch... You gots new smilies!
Gary
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
I'm just stealing them from another site.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Man I got some great jokes to share today, but I aint gunna type them out and the copy/paste police are watching so you will all have to wait.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Man I got some great jokes to share today, but I aint gunna type them out and the copy/paste police are watching so you will all have to wait.Man I got some great jokes to share today, but I aint gunna type them out and the copy/paste police are watching so you will all have to wait.Man I got some great jokes to share today, but I aint gunna type them out and the copy/paste police are watching so you will all have to wait.Man I got some great jokes to share today, but I aint gunna type them out and the copy/paste police are watching so you will all have to wait.Man I got some great jokes to share today, but I aint gunna type them out and the copy/paste police are watching so you will all have to wait.Man I got some great jokes to share today, but I aint gunna type them out and the copy/paste police are watching so you will all have to wait.Man I got some great jokes to share today, but I aint gunna type them out and the copy/paste police are watching so you will all have to wait.Man I got some great jokes to share today, but I aint gunna type them out and the copy/paste police are watching so you will all have to wait.
SkwerI
Treehouser
Stole this from my fishing forum:
Fishing Trip
He began his day with an 8lb walleye on the first cast and a 7lb on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant........then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU!! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said........"I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
Fishing Trip
He began his day with an 8lb walleye on the first cast and a 7lb on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant........then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU!! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said........"I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
LOL, you had me going! what a wicked cruel joke!
Similar threads
