The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[SkwerI]

Phone Repair

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.

 

[Chisel Tooth]

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[vharrison]

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.

 

[MasterBlaster]

<hdy>

 

[Chisel Tooth]

That frecking funny.

 

[RReedy]

Golfing With Grampa


A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

The fit and trim grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a 'gimme', sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"


OLD AGE AND WISDOM WILL OVERCOME YOUTHFUL EXUBERANCE EVERY TIME.

 

[Paul B]

I got an email from Derek this morning, just a sentence saying " Hi Paul, sorry to be a stranger...again… Ill get you a letter soon.. Derek"

and then this text with pictures embedded beneath.

New Standard Operating Procedures for the NSW RFS
New Rural Fire Services (RFS) Chainsaw SOP's now require all crews when cutting trees to weigh them down at the base of the fallen tree. This is to stop the stump of the tree rising back up when cut.

A photo demonstrating the method to be used is attached. Only approved RFS Sedans/Wagons can be used to weigh down the tree. Only salaried staff are to perform this task until training has been distributed through all Districts.

Chainsaw Use - Weighing Down of Tree Module 4.8 - is the nationally certified certificate of competency required to use and operate Salaried vehicles for the above task.

In short the SOP's state:
1/ Line vehicle up with centre of roadway,
2/ Accelerate to 60km/h (50km/h in residential areas, 40km/h in School zones),
3/ Place the tree onto the lower front nearside (left side) of vehicle,
4/ Once upon tree, accelerate harshly with pedal pushed to the floor,
5/ Brake vehicle once you're on the tree,
6/ Apply handbrake,
7/ Exit vehicle.

Cutting can now be commenced. It is also important to note that all PPE is to be worn, including chainsaw chaps (Chaps are monitored by SES crews), helmet and one or two piece uniform for safety when operating RFS vehicle.

Also, 'White' coloured driving gloves will soon be issued to all trained personnel. These must be worn when in vehicle at all times.

 

[MasterBlaster]

Wow!

 

[Paul B]

I was reading the text for a bit thinking WTF? then I realized it was a joke.

 

[sotc]

haha thats funny, he must have climbed up further left and "walked" down the log sideways

 

[sotc]

"True" Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? ?Well, here is a series of
promises that actually speak of true friendship.? You will see no
cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our
great friendship.

1.When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking
you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you?are plotting something that I
must be involved in.?

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it
every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible
stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7.When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until
you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy
ass.

9.This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only
you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because
you can only think of 4.

 

[MasterBlaster]

This is kinda dirty, I LOLZ.

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[TC3]

90% of all women have smart DNA in them.
85% spit it out.
Bad joke day.

 

[Rotax Robert]

Fookin good one

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and

get me slippers?'

'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two

stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'

'Fook off you liar!'

'I'll prove it,' Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of
dem,Paddy?'

'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'

 

[MasterBlaster]

<img src="http://www.theforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=1003817&d=1202587709">

 

[Rotax Robert]

Lost Grandpa

LOST GRANDPA.........
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall !

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

 

[Rotax Robert]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next
to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the
world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was
supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in
1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."

 

[MasterBlaster]

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant.

They must besaved.

I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out
and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The "on camera" reporter asked the old Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"


















"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief: "De fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"

 

[vharrison]

 

[Chisel Tooth]

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That's a good one Butch, I'm still laughing!

 

[Rotax Robert]

The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was
about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company
Commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he
decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had
been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of
sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and
how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of
pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time. There being no
consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the
coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the
officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. God Bless the Marine Corps.

 

[Rotax Robert]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

 

[MasterBlaster]

Now THAT'S a lotta SHIT!

 

[Rotax Robert]

Now THAT'S a lotta SHIT!

Damn straight it is, and I would'nt shit you

 

[Frans]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the
next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'