The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

Brian said:
Sweet!......

But I think our current deficit is gonna sink you guys
Click to expand...

Tout chez !!!


That was great, TreeWiseGuy ! :lol:
Loved the bits of Brit lingo ('nancies' & 'biscuits' & all that limp wristed talk).
HAR !!!
But yeah, the one about U.S. beer is right on the money.
 
This isn't about anyone here... not really. But it is about my sister's fiance. Please don't marry that guy ?!?
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'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big.
I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly," replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never will.'
 
Stumper said:
Limp wristed-Righto, comes of living too near France.
Click to expand...

Yeah, but everyone knows how us Brits just love to distance ourselves from those frog eating, white flag waving..........French people! The UK spends more time looking across 3000 miles of Atlantic ocean than it ever will looking across 21 miles of English Channel.
 
TheTreeWiseMen said:
Yeah, but everyone knows how us Brits just love to distance ourselves from those frog eating, white flag waving..........French people! The UK spends more time looking across 3000 miles of Atlantic ocean than it ever will looking across 21 miles of English Channel.
Click to expand...

Quoted for posterity! :lol:
 
This made me laugh, and I couldn't resist passing it on. You might want to save it for the future if any boy wants to date your daughters.


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating ..



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a pizza, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
>She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
>but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
>the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.
>
>
>
>One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it,

>and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring

>it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He
>proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
>lot about ranching.
>
>
>
>For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
>
>
>
>Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
>done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
>town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
>into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't

>return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around
>two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow
>sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
>
>
>
>She quietly called him over to her.
>
>
>
>"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
>
>
>
>Trembling, he did as she directed.
>
>
>
>"Now take off my boots."
>
>
>
>He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
>
>
>
>"Now take off my socks."
>
>
>
>He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
>
>
>
>"Now take off my skirt."
>
>
>
>He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.
>
>
>
>"Now take off my bra."
>
>
>
>Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to
the
>floor.
>
>
>
>Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town
>again, you're fired."
>
>
>
>Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either !
>
 
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a
tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the
bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving
drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady
who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your friggin' hands, I want a
cheeseburger.'
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, apologizing profusely. "Please let me help you. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.


"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man groaned. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, his hands clasped together at his groin.


As she persisted, however, his intense pain forced him to surrender. She gently unfolded his hands, and laid them to the side. Then she loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She then began to administer a very tender and artful massage for several minutes, while his friends tried not to drool.

After several incredible minutes she asked, "How does that feel?"


He replied, "Oh man, it feels like Heaven, but I still think you broke my thumb."
 
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' the man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
 
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