The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,

"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
 
A husband and wife went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped
at was the breeding bulls area. They went up to the first pen and there was a
sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '


His wife playfully nudged him in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50
times last year.'
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife gave him a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a
week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The woman was so excited that her elbow nearly broke the husbands ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old
cow.''
 
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."
 
:lol: You gotta love the Irish. When my son Finnegan was born last month, I was given a total of 36 bottles of Guiness by friends and family. Too bad they're all gone now, or I'd have a toast to poor ol Shamus.
 
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from
jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.




New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: LUCKY BASTARDS!

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People ar e acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spir itual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
 
THIS WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR - WORTH SHARING.

A SOMALIAN ARRIVES IN BOSTON AS A NEW IMMIGRANT TO THE UNITED
STATES.

HE STOPS THE FIRST PERSON ! HE SEES WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND SAYS,
"THANK YOU MR. AMERICAN FOR LETTING ME IN THIS COUNTRY, GIVING ME
HOUSING, FOOD STAMPS, FREE MEDICAL CARE, AND FREE EDUCATION!" THE
PASSERBY SAYS, "YOU ARE MISTAKEN, I AM MEXICAN."

THE MAN GOES ON AND ENCOUNTERS ANOTHER PASSERBY. "THANK YOU FOR
HAVING
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY HERE IN AMERICA !" THE PERSON SAYS, "I NOT
AMERICAN, I VIETNAMESE."

THE NEW ARRIVAL WALKS FURTHER, AND THE NEXT PERSON HE SEES HE STOPS,
SHAKES HIS HAND AND SAYS, "THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL AMERICA!"
THAT
PERSON PUTS UP HIS HAND AND SAYS, "I AM FROM MIDDLE EAST , I AM N OT
AMERICAN!"

HE FINALLY SEES A NICE LADY AND ASKS, "ARE YOU AN AMERICAN?" SHE
SAYS ,
"NO, I AM FROM AFRICA!" PUZZLED, HE ASKS HER, "WHERE ARE ALL THE
AMERICANS?"

THE AFRICAN LADY CHECKS HER WATCH AND SAYS..."PROBABLY AT
WORK!!!!!!!

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM
YOU!
WI LL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.
 
Butch, Not racist-nationalistic....and anti-immigrant moocher(of course most immigrants are here to work or study and not to mooch).
 
Whatever.....

digging at the bottom of the pail for jokes today.

actually, I found one of those funny:

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

(I didn't like the end of the joke so I deleted it.)

Never could understand the 'months' thing...
 
Frans said:
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months"
"He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
Never could understand the 'months' thing...
Click to expand...
Friggin' hysterical, Frans !!!
 
Sorry guys, but Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.......

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.
 
Thanks for the laugh ! :D

I like the point about " we will show you german cars, then you will understand" haha!
 
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