The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 13K
- Views 622K
sotc
Dormant hero!!
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
My mistake stumper
here you go
here you go
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
To Soon
pic
pic
F
Frans
Guest
FARM KID
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilverLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilverLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
T
The Branch Doctor
Guest
Oooh baby! That sounds like my kind of girl!
sotc
Dormant hero!!
sounds like squishers wife
N
NeTree
Guest
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a
huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to
make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did
you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that
with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like
that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will
forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Senator Clinton seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of
your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So he slapped her..
huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to
make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did
you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that
with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like
that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will
forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Senator Clinton seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of
your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So he slapped her..
N
NeTree
Guest
Do you know why Santa Claus is so JOLLY?
He knows where all the NAUGHTY girls live...
He knows where all the NAUGHTY girls live...
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft In the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks,
"what's the good news.......??
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull
her up again.....
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft In the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks,
"what's the good news.......??
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull
her up again.....
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Funny guy, RIP. 
<object width="425" height="373"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LDxBUoCN6MQ&rel=1&border=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LDxBUoCN6MQ&rel=1&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="373"></embed></object>
<object width="425" height="373"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LDxBUoCN6MQ&rel=1&border=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LDxBUoCN6MQ&rel=1&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="373"></embed></object>
vharrison
Island Girl
Who was that guy? He was funny but his hand holding the mike sure was shaking.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Well, he did die from an OD.
vharrison
Island Girl
What was his name?
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Just double click on the video to find out.
N
NeTree
Guest
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
<magic!>
N
NeTree
Guest
NATIVE AMERICANS ADDRESSED BY HILLARY
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The
American Indian nation not long ago in upper New York State. She spoke for
almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's
present standard of living, should she one day become the first female
President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had
signed "yes" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval..
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most
enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and
brothers". At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a
plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator
then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later
inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name
given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of
sh*t it can no longer fly.
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The
American Indian nation not long ago in upper New York State. She spoke for
almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's
present standard of living, should she one day become the first female
President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had
signed "yes" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval..
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most
enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and
brothers". At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a
plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator
then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later
inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name
given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of
sh*t it can no longer fly.
N
NeTree
Guest
N
NeTree
Guest
The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell -- got up,
And then In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell -- got up,
And then In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here.
sotc
Dormant hero!!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
GASoline71
'cause chicks dig scars
Boss-to-English Translator:
What your boss says and what he really means
Do you ever feel a trip to your boss's office is like a trip to a foreign country? Nice view, but no speaka dee English? In order to ensure that none of the buck passing, put- downing, or one- upping is lost in translation, make sure to bring along this cheat sheet so you know what the big enchilada is really trying to say.
"Great job on the report!"
Translation: "I'm taking credit for your work."
"I have to attend an off-site meeting."
Translation: "I'm having an affair."
"Let me give you some broadstroke ideas and you can fill in the rest."
Translation: "I still haven't learned how to create an Excel document."
"Headquarters has assured me we will not be affected by the merger."
Translation: "You are going to be fired."
"I'm not sure if what you are suggesting is in alignment with our core competencies."
Translation: "What exactly do we do again?"
"This office is a family and my door is always open if you ever need to powwow with Papa Bear."
Translation: "I am a tool."
"I'll be out of the office for a couple hours with senior management, but you can reach me on my mobile."
Translation: "I'm playing golf."
"I'll be off-site and unreachable for the rest of the afternoon."
Translation: "I'm playing golf and I expect to be very, very drunk."
"I think we should order in some lunch for the team."
Translation: "None of you are getting a raise. Enjoy your pizza."
"I don't want to have to micromanage this whole operation!"
Translation: "I'm the boss because I made good business contacts at my Ivy League university; I don't know how to actually do things."
"This came down from up top."
Translation: "I have no real power."
"I can't give you an answer at this moment. Let me survey the situation and see what we can leverage out of it."
Translation: "Oh God, I wish I was still in sales!"
"It's good to see you take such bold initiative!"
Translation: "You are a threat to me. You will be fired the next time we so much as run out of coffee."
"I'll think about it."
Translation: "I'll tell you no in an e-mail, long after I've left the office."
"Did you finish those projections I asked you about on Friday?"
Translation: "I completely forgot to ask you about the projections on Friday, and I'm hoping your memory is even worse than mine."
"This is a very sensitive issue."
Translation: "I may need you to shred some documents."
"Let's push the boundaries on this one. We need something really innovative! Throw out the conventions, I want something edgy!"
Translation: "Present only safe, traditional ideas to me. I wouldn't know what to do with innovation if my life depended on it."
"We're going to be pulling some long hours and I'll be right here with the rest of you."
Translation: "My home life is miserable."
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news."
Translation: "Disappointing you is the only pleasure I have left in my dead-end, crappy job."
Gary
What your boss says and what he really means
Do you ever feel a trip to your boss's office is like a trip to a foreign country? Nice view, but no speaka dee English? In order to ensure that none of the buck passing, put- downing, or one- upping is lost in translation, make sure to bring along this cheat sheet so you know what the big enchilada is really trying to say.
"Great job on the report!"
Translation: "I'm taking credit for your work."
"I have to attend an off-site meeting."
Translation: "I'm having an affair."
"Let me give you some broadstroke ideas and you can fill in the rest."
Translation: "I still haven't learned how to create an Excel document."
"Headquarters has assured me we will not be affected by the merger."
Translation: "You are going to be fired."
"I'm not sure if what you are suggesting is in alignment with our core competencies."
Translation: "What exactly do we do again?"
"This office is a family and my door is always open if you ever need to powwow with Papa Bear."
Translation: "I am a tool."
"I'll be out of the office for a couple hours with senior management, but you can reach me on my mobile."
Translation: "I'm playing golf."
"I'll be off-site and unreachable for the rest of the afternoon."
Translation: "I'm playing golf and I expect to be very, very drunk."
"I think we should order in some lunch for the team."
Translation: "None of you are getting a raise. Enjoy your pizza."
"I don't want to have to micromanage this whole operation!"
Translation: "I'm the boss because I made good business contacts at my Ivy League university; I don't know how to actually do things."
"This came down from up top."
Translation: "I have no real power."
"I can't give you an answer at this moment. Let me survey the situation and see what we can leverage out of it."
Translation: "Oh God, I wish I was still in sales!"
"It's good to see you take such bold initiative!"
Translation: "You are a threat to me. You will be fired the next time we so much as run out of coffee."
"I'll think about it."
Translation: "I'll tell you no in an e-mail, long after I've left the office."
"Did you finish those projections I asked you about on Friday?"
Translation: "I completely forgot to ask you about the projections on Friday, and I'm hoping your memory is even worse than mine."
"This is a very sensitive issue."
Translation: "I may need you to shred some documents."
"Let's push the boundaries on this one. We need something really innovative! Throw out the conventions, I want something edgy!"
Translation: "Present only safe, traditional ideas to me. I wouldn't know what to do with innovation if my life depended on it."
"We're going to be pulling some long hours and I'll be right here with the rest of you."
Translation: "My home life is miserable."
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news."
Translation: "Disappointing you is the only pleasure I have left in my dead-end, crappy job."
Gary
