The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[Chisel Tooth]

Redneck on the Jury



A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

 

[sawinredneck]

A man is caught in a flood, water is up to his front porch. A boat comes along "Get in, we'll take you to safety!!"
"Nope, God's gonna take care of me!!!"
A few hours latter,he's siting on the roof of the house, water up to the gutters.
Another boat, "Get in, we will take you to safety, this is probably you're last chance and the water is rising!!"
"Nope, God's gonna take care of me!!!"
Later yet, he is standing on the chimmeny, water up to his chin.
Here comes a helicopter, the drop the rope and a rescuer comes down. "Grab on, I'll get you out of here before you drown!!"
"NO!!! God's gonna take care of me!!!"
He drowns.
He goes to heaven and meets God, "God, I put all my faith and trust in you, I waited for you to save me. I had nothing but hope for you, but you let me drown!!"
God looks at the man, hesitates, then "Well, I DID send you two boats and a helicopter!!"

 

[Frans]

 

[Chisel Tooth]

There's your sign!
<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxdm801MNUS%2526i%253D36%252F36%255F1%255F19%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_19.gif" alt="SmileyCentral.com" border="0"><img border="0" src="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fimgfarm%252Ecom%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial%252Egif%253Fi%253D36%252F36_1_19/image.gif"></a>
See Ya
Mike

 

[Bounce]

The owner of the world's largest fried chicken restaurant chain is sitting around one day trying to figure out a way to increase his company's profits. He gets an idea to ask the Pope if he can change the phrase in the daily prayer from "give us this our daily bread" to "give us this our daily chicken." So off he goes to the vatican, where he gets an audience with the Pope. Not being a stupid man, the restauranteer slides a check for $100 million across the table before asking the Pope if he would be willing the change the prayer. Upon seeing all those zeroes, the Pope agrees and sends the happy businessman on his way. A few days later the Pope is addressing an assembly of the Bishops in their pointy red hats. "Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?" Never ones to focus on the negative, they all reply "Give us the good news first!" So the Pope tells them about the deal he made with the fried chicken restaurant company, and all the bishops are happy. Then one old Bishop in the back speaks up, "That great boss; we're all gonna get new cars and mansions, but what's the bad news?" The Pope replies, "The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread contract."

 

[Rotax Robert]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I`ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[Rotax Robert]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the
hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why
is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very
sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he
doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and
his
testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in
bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
"Oh
my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly:..

"Same illness, better health plan."

 

[sawinredneck]

HMMMMMMMM........................
AW, nevermind

 

[The Branch Doctor]

I need better insurance!

 

[MasterBlaster]

Cat wigs.

No shit! :what:

 

[sawinredneck]

That was wrong, just plain wrong!!!

 

[Frans]

The little angel

>When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
>the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the
>pressure of being behind schedule.
>
>Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
>Santa even more.
>
>When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
>about
>to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
>where.
>
>More stress.
>
>Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
>toy
>bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
>into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to
>the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and
>there
>was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
>cider
>pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
>floor.
>He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of
>the
>broom.
>
>Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
>opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
>tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
>lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
>stick it?"
>
>And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
>tree

 

[Stumper]

Frans you made me laugh out loud.

 

[sawinredneck]

Didn't see that coming!!!!

 

[sotc]

hahahahahahahahaha

 

[NeTree]

New Direction for the war on terrorists.

"Send Prior Service Vets over 60 "

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:


Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.







If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.



Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.



They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.



An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.



Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.



If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.

 

[NeTree]

Here's a quick test for you to take. This just proves that we

have become too dependent on our computers.

Computer Dependency Test

Q: Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...













































Look down, not scroll down!

 

[NeTree]

As a Texan is walking through his field, he sees a man drinking water
from a stock tank with one of his hands.

The Texan shouts,,,,,,,,' Hey don't drink that water,,,, It has cow sh*t
in it!!!!!!!!!!!

The Man shouts back 'Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés. Hábleme
español.'. (I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. speak Spanish to me)

The Texan shouts back,,,,,, 'Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá
más para beber.' (Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)

 

[The Branch Doctor]

I'll never be able to look at the angel on the Christmas tree the same again.

 

[Rotax Robert]

1. Teaching Math In 1950





A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?





------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. Teaching Math In 1960





A logger sells a truck load of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?





--------------------------------------------------------------------

3. Teaching Math In 1970







A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?





-----------------------------------------------------------------------

4. Teaching Math In 1980







A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.





------------ ------------------------------------------------------------

5 Teaching Math In 1990







A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers. )





-----------------------------------------------------------------------

6. Teaching Math In 2007





Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

[Stumper]

Robert, This is joke thread. Please don't clutter it up with modern history and social studies.

 

[Rotax Robert]

15 Toughest presents to find

Sorry Stumper, quess I was typing facts. Anyway here are some great christmas presents.

 

[Rotax Robert]

some more

more tough ones to buy

 

[Rotax Robert]

Ok last 5

pics

 

[Chisel Tooth]

Robert stop your killing me, that's some funny stuff.
<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxdm801MNUS%2526i%253D4%252F4%255F1%255F219%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_219.gif" alt="SmileyCentral.com" border="0"><img border="0" src="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fimgfarm%252Ecom%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial%252Egif%253Fi%253D4%252F4_1_219/image.gif"></a>
See Ya
Mike