The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

A young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he
clocks out of his office at about 8 P.M. he sees the Admiral standing
by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in
his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Admiral asks. "My
secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes
the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.

"Thanks," says the Admiral, "I just need one copy..."
 
politics

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tel l you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and ca lmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cow boy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a
herd of sheep. . . .

Now give me back my damn dog."
 
A skeleton wanted to go to a party but couldn't because....


















He had no body to go with!

I cannot believe I actually wrote that down
 
Panhandlers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 - 9 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Carlos sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 - 9 dollars."

Carlos says... "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico !'
 
finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.




He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."





Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."





"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"





Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
 
polish

In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"


The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"


The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes! I am.


But let me ask you something.


If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?


Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?


Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?


Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?


Would you?"!


The clerk says, "Well, no!"


"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"


"Well, I probably wouldn't!"


With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did


you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"


The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."
 
I wanna be like mommy

I stole this from racesaws I think, but this little girl had to draw a picture for school of what mommy does for work. :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that !!!"

The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle.

So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"

The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!".

"EXACTLY!!!" says the doctor.
 
Who's Yo Daddy?



The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing 'father's details;' or putting it another way ... Who's Yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize & #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you w/a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex w/a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone #? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area & see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex w/a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate & that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover & that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you & right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up w/him, can you ask him what he did w/my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time ... Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in & watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right - we are all paying taxes to support them.
 
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________







OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________




SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________




GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________




LONGEVITY!

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.




HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came t o the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his fath er-in-law and asked how such a thing cou ld happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."
 
A University Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
 
Blondes

STAY!!!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched fully on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there! I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in Park?"
 
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks
St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer." So the zebra
went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him,
"Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what
you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.
You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes,
God would have said, "You is what you is."
 
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

'1'
Blaming your farts on me......
not funny... not funny at all !!!

-- ------------------------------------------------
'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

--------------------------------------------------
'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?< /SPAN>

--------------------------------------------------
'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

----- ---------------------------------------------
'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up whe n you're not home.

--------------------------------------------------
'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

--------------------------------------------------
'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip',
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!

--------------------------------------------------
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff th e crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
--------------------------------------------------
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?

--------------------------------------------------
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

--------------------------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these thin gs..
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
 
Rodney Dangerfield

He said ...

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early"

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of
had anything to play with
 
You know to circumcise a hillbilly ?



Kick his sister in the chin.
 
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes!'"
 
If you want to read a funny super disgusting obscene joke, just quote this post. :/:

<a guy goes to a whorehouse, but he only has a dollar. the woman says "well, we have a dead hooker upstairs." so the guy gives her the dollar and goes upstairs to the dead hooker. when he's finished, he comes back downstairs. the woman asks "how was the dead hooker?" he says "she was great! except her nose kept running." the woman says "oh, she's probably full.">
 
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