R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Hey, some of these jokes are fresh, gottem outa the freezer myself.
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 13K
- Views 622K
vharrison
Island Girl
Hey, I love Robert's jokes. Keep em coming!
R
RReedy
Guest
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects
your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management
team. You do not stay in your designated area and are
often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured
and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before
you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen
constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying
two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects
your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management
team. You do not stay in your designated area and are
often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured
and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before
you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen
constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying
two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
B
billcutstrees
Guest
A farmer had 3 daughters that were all going out for thier first date on the same day so the farmer locked his daughters up in thier rooms and met thier dates at the door with a shot gun.The first boy showed up and said hi I'm joe I'm here for flo we're going to see the show is she ready to go?The farmer decided that he was alright and he sent the two one thier way.The second boy showed up and said hi my names eddy I'm here for Betty we're going to get some spagehtti is she ready?The farmer decided he to was alright and sent the two on thier way.The third boy showed up and said hi my names chuck and the farmer shot him.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Best Comeback Line Ever...
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the
article was ... "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22
year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on
Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County
court-house, Lawrence was charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch on his way home from a drinking session when he
decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and
squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles
or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he
stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the
side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt
was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and
proceed-ed to satisfy his alleged 'need. "Guess I was
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to
notice an approaching police car and was unaware of
his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached
him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said
officer Taylor. I walked up to Lawrence and he's just
banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when
she approached Lawrence. "I said, "Excuse me sir, but
do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was
there, and then he looked me straight in the face and
said..."A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the
article was ... "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22
year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on
Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County
court-house, Lawrence was charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch on his way home from a drinking session when he
decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and
squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles
or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he
stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the
side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt
was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and
proceed-ed to satisfy his alleged 'need. "Guess I was
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to
notice an approaching police car and was unaware of
his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached
him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said
officer Taylor. I walked up to Lawrence and he's just
banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when
she approached Lawrence. "I said, "Excuse me sir, but
do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was
there, and then he looked me straight in the face and
said..."A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went
to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband
said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went
to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband
said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Pretty woman
A young man moved into a new
apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his
mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped
open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that
the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'
A young man moved into a new
apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his
mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped
open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that
the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'
B
billcutstrees
Guest
Lmao that is hilarious Robert.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Not work safe, a touching ballad.
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<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/i2spZ-NDfS4&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/i2spZ-NDfS4&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>
GASoline71
'cause chicks dig scars
Got this one from my girlfriend this morning:
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring
at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the
teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I
quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring
at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the
teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I
quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Class pic. 
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
lol
T
top hopper
Guest
Love the letter to Dr Ruth!!
lol
lol
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
LOLZ!!!
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
elephant ?
An elephant asked a camel,
"Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel,
"I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose wiener is on his face.
An elephant asked a camel,
"Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel,
"I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose wiener is on his face.
rumination
Migratory Hippie Arbolist
Oh man, that was awful. Thank you Robert, I needed that.
LOLZ!!!
Butch, I'll confess- I missed something. I didn't see antthing humorous.????
vharrison
Island Girl
I wasn't going to say anything, but I didn't get it either.
J
JamesTX
Guest
R
RaisedByWolves
Guest
LOLCATZ!
R
RaisedByWolves
Guest
sotc
Dormant hero!!
Confucius Say:
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who run in front of car get tired.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who run in front of car get tired.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
B
bernmeister
Guest
just a funny pic i found on photobucket.
http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u105/hello5491/HILARIOUS.jpg
http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u105/hello5491/HILARIOUS.jpg
GASoline71
'cause chicks dig scars
Amish elevator...
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
Then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I
don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel
chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and
the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up
sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last
number, and then the numbers beg an to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son .
"Go get your mother."
Gary
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
Then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I
don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel
chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and
the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up
sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last
number, and then the numbers beg an to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son .
"Go get your mother."
Gary
