R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Another Chinese Recall
When are we going to put a stop to this.
When are we going to put a stop to this.
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 13K
- Views 622K
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Never leave your nuts alone
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his
patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he
coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled,
"Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they
all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer
Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against
the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo
Nut s" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided
to go get a soda and a hot dog, leaving his assistant
in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in
progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going
just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEE-NUTS!".
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his
patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he
coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled,
"Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they
all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer
Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against
the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo
Nut s" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided
to go get a soda and a hot dog, leaving his assistant
in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in
progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going
just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEE-NUTS!".
SkwerI
Treehouser
Robert, your jokes always make me laugh just because they are so friggin corny! You must work with some real cornballs.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
poultry pops
poultry pops
poultry pops
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Monica
Monica
Monica
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
whats in a name
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.
She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.
She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Why men should'nt take messages
men should'nt take messages
men should'nt take messages
vharrison
Island Girl
Those were some good ones Robert!
T
The Branch Doctor
Guest
R
RReedy
Guest
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your
sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph
was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid
another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife shout "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shittin' the
bed!"
and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your
sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph
was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid
another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife shout "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shittin' the
bed!"
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A young man called John wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would
strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to the Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and John got the knickers. Good old John sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
"Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing
any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
John.
P.S. My sister tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing."
strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to the Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and John got the knickers. Good old John sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
"Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing
any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
John.
P.S. My sister tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing."
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
B
bump_r
Guest
Oh good LORD!!!!! Not another "Ralph died" joke over here!!?? That's the shat that got me banned from AS!!!
Commenting on it, not starting it...
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
One thing for sure, this ain't AS.
N
NeTree
Guest
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
Ya got that right!
<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxpt141YYUS%2526i%253D36%252F36%255F1%255F1%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_1.gif" alt="SmileyCentral.com" border="0"><img border="0" src="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fimgfarm%252Ecom%252Fimages%252Fnocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial%252Egif%253Fi%253D36%252F36_1_1/image.gif"></a>
See Ya
Mike
R
RReedy
Guest
PROBLEM SOLVED!!!!!!!
Broke Back Deer Camp
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room and no
one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them
stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the
roof. I sat up and watched him all night. "
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player;
a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested.
"Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and
kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night ".
Broke Back Deer Camp
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room and no
one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them
stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the
roof. I sat up and watched him all night. "
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player;
a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested.
"Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and
kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night ".
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
<img src="http://www.theforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=977626&d=1192348781">
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
<img src="http://www.theforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=977442&d=1192273173">
B
bump_r
Guest
yup. I miss some of the guys over there, but not the shenanigans.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
sotc
Dormant hero!!
ha!
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
new sign
have'nt seen this before
have'nt seen this before
