treetx
Traveler extraordinaire
If boobs were brains.....
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
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K
KTS
Guest
Doesn't matter to me. lol
pete mctree
Treehouser
SkwerI
Treehouser
liberals, conservatives and Yuengling (this is for Reed)
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization, and
together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girlie-men or wussies. Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and
beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth; the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
A few modern liberals like Mexican light beer (with lime added), but
most prefer a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc,with passion fruit and
kiwi aromas which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out on the
midpalate by peach flavors. Crisp and refreshing, with a hint of chalky
minerality on the finish; or Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish
but dislike beef. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, Ivy League professors, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated-hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager. They eat
red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes,
Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to
other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization, and
together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girlie-men or wussies. Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and
beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth; the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
A few modern liberals like Mexican light beer (with lime added), but
most prefer a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc,with passion fruit and
kiwi aromas which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out on the
midpalate by peach flavors. Crisp and refreshing, with a hint of chalky
minerality on the finish; or Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish
but dislike beef. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, Ivy League professors, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated-hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager. They eat
red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes,
Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to
other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
rumination
Migratory Hippie Arbolist
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."
rumination
Migratory Hippie Arbolist
Haha, thank you, and so did your reply. 
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
cybergeek23851
I like cats...
sotc
Dormant hero!!
hahahaha
Thor's Hammer
Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #511
damn I'm slow. took about 5 minutes to get that one...
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly,
"Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
The waitress asked kindly,
"Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
NickfromWI
King of Splices
Here is her follow up on the Today Show
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love
nick
squisher
THE CALM ONE!!!!
Nick are you a stalker of hot blondes?
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
this would be bad
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry........... "Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry........... "Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was not at work and
had not phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with
a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk wit! h her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the
ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
< BR>Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
had not phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with
a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk wit! h her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the
ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
< BR>Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
SkwerI
Treehouser
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic high school girls and they all
perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.
Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with
a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the
head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the
tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Jennifer, have you ever
had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay,
dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl
replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do
it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.
Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with
a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the
head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the
tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Jennifer, have you ever
had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay,
dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl
replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do
it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
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B
bernmeister
Guest
golf lessons
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those ****ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead."
__________________
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those ****ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead."
__________________
N
newguy18
Guest
A man was looking for someone who could hump his daughter and make her squeal.He found a white guy,a black guy,and a chinese guy and said that if one of them could hump his daughter and make her squeal he would give that man a million dollars and his daughter's hand in marriage.The white guy went first and failed.The black guy went next and failed.The chinese went and made her squeal a lot.The father handed him the money and asked how hw did it and the chinese guy replied me chinese me so slick me put hot sauce on my dick.
treetx
Traveler extraordinaire
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Crack in window
Reason for concern on this DC 9
Reason for concern on this DC 9
J
Jonseredbred
Guest
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
'The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
'The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
R
RReedy
Guest
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the
most
riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He
pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the
most
riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He
pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
R
RReedy
Guest
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your
problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she
is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough.
She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought
a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks:
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks:
"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong......
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your
problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she
is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough.
She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought
a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks:
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks:
"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong......
