NickfromWI
King of Splices
Okay, that was a nasty joke...but more importantly...how the hell did you do that?
love
nick
love
nick
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 12K
- Views 519K
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
<It's easy! Can't you see it?>
Dave Shepard
Square peg, round world.
<No, I can't>
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
I bought a souvenir teddy bear for $5, named it Mohammed and sold it for $10. Do you think I made a prophet?
2 goldfish in a tank and one says, "How the hell do you drive this?"
2 parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other "Aaaaawk! Do you smell fish?"
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, "Hey, do you think this tastes funny?"
Q: How can you tell a rectal thermometer from an oral thermometer?
A: They taste different.
Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.
2 goldfish in a tank and one says, "How the hell do you drive this?"
2 parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other "Aaaaawk! Do you smell fish?"
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, "Hey, do you think this tastes funny?"
Q: How can you tell a rectal thermometer from an oral thermometer?
A: They taste different.
Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.
T
treetrash
Guest
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids. He gives 1 clue. It's what your mom calls me. The boy yells out It's f*ckin' dick don't eat it.
sotc
Dormant hero!!
haha funny butch
N
NeTree
Guest
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
-
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
-
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
N
NeTree
Guest
December 14 My dearest darling John: Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree? Thank you a hundred times! All my love forever, Lydia
December 15 Dearest John: I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're adorable. Thanks again! Love always, Lydia
December 16 Dear John: Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens! Love, Lydia
December 17 Dear John: Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic? Affectionately, Lydia
December 18 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to wonder about you! Love, Lydia
December 19 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. Please stop. Cordially, Lydia
December 20 John: What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop! Lydia
December 21 O.K. Buster: What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds - they had to bring their cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, . Lydia
December 22 Hey Bonehead: What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you thinking?!
December 23 You rotten jerk: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies." They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you.
December 24 Listen you !!!!! Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to death in the YARD. The pipers have even started getting the cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!!! Your sworn enemy.....
December 25th Harrison Burnsley, Esq., Barrister & Solicitor
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and peace of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or contact Ms. Zeltow at the sanitarium where she now resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on sight.
December 15 Dearest John: I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're adorable. Thanks again! Love always, Lydia
December 16 Dear John: Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens! Love, Lydia
December 17 Dear John: Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic? Affectionately, Lydia
December 18 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to wonder about you! Love, Lydia
December 19 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. Please stop. Cordially, Lydia
December 20 John: What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop! Lydia
December 21 O.K. Buster: What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds - they had to bring their cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, . Lydia
December 22 Hey Bonehead: What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you thinking?!
December 23 You rotten jerk: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies." They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you.
December 24 Listen you !!!!! Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to death in the YARD. The pipers have even started getting the cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!!! Your sworn enemy.....
December 25th Harrison Burnsley, Esq., Barrister & Solicitor
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and peace of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or contact Ms. Zeltow at the sanitarium where she now resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on sight.
N
NeTree
Guest
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;
The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where
do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple
on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is
fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his
time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was
done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to
the park to get the job done right. People were
crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes
wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more
than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
I had to rush my shots.
Finally! , when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,
I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the
hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;
The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where
do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple
on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is
fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his
time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was
done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to
the park to get the job done right. People were
crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes
wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more
than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
I had to rush my shots.
Finally! , when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,
I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the
hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
N
NeTree
Guest
PSYCH HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to
talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down
and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to
talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down
and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
N
NeTree
Guest
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but could not understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but could not understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
vharrison
Island Girl
Ne, John will get a kick out of that one.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
If poor overworked Santa had to answer his letters:
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus
--------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
-------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
-------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus
--------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
-------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
N
NeTree
Guest
Damn, I really like that last one, for some reason... 
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
As a Michigan trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again,the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores
her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The truc ker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan. I am driving a "SALT TRUCK!"
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again,the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores
her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The truc ker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan. I am driving a "SALT TRUCK!"
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Hard work
these boys did a fine job of setting these steel pillars.
these boys did a fine job of setting these steel pillars.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
hillary special
pic
pic
J
JamesTX
Guest
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
Yes sir that higher form of intelligence at work again.
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See Ya
Mike
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See Ya
Mike
Dave Shepard
Square peg, round world.
I'd like to have been there when they all piled in the truck and backed over one of their posts, cuz you know they must have.
Dave
vharrison
Island Girl
I'd like to have been there when they all piled in the truck and backed over one of their posts, cuz you know they must have.
Dave
Okay, now I get it!!!!!! 
Burnham
Woods walker
It's possible, just barely possible, that one of those posts is set up as removeable with a locking mechanism at the base. 
We have some like that at a few of our FS facilities. Allows administrative access, but restricts others.
Not everything that looks stupid is...just like not everything that looks clever is either.
We have some like that at a few of our FS facilities. Allows administrative access, but restricts others.
Not everything that looks stupid is...just like not everything that looks clever is either.
N
NeTree
Guest
A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As
she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The
sign says:
"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The
girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as
she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and
reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the
frog to follow its training.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing
happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper:
"If you have any problems or questions, please telephone the store at
which the frog was purchased and ask for the manager."
Which she does. The manager responds, "I'll be right over." Within
minutes, he is ringing her doorbell.
She welcomes him and says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions. The darn thing just sits there!"
The manager, looking very concerned, grabs the frog, stares directly at
him and says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this
one more time...."
she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The
sign says:
"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The
girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as
she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and
reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the
frog to follow its training.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing
happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper:
"If you have any problems or questions, please telephone the store at
which the frog was purchased and ask for the manager."
Which she does. The manager responds, "I'll be right over." Within
minutes, he is ringing her doorbell.
She welcomes him and says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions. The darn thing just sits there!"
The manager, looking very concerned, grabs the frog, stares directly at
him and says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this
one more time...."
N
NeTree
Guest
A Mexican arrives in Houston as a new immigrant to America.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American man for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all wonderful social monetary benefits!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Puerto-Rican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says, "I not American, I am from Haiti."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Iraq!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the American people?"
The Iraqi lady checks her watch and says...
"Probably at work."
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American man for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all wonderful social monetary benefits!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Puerto-Rican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says, "I not American, I am from Haiti."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Iraq!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the American people?"
The Iraqi lady checks her watch and says...
"Probably at work."
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Lezbonics
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
Why can't lesbians diet and wear makeup at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
Why can't lesbians diet and wear makeup at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
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