The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn’t bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"
 
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope.


Grumpy leads the pack ..........


"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"


Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?"


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers,

"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns
around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
........ No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe"


This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?"


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks,

as they begin chanting......

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


"Grumpy shagged a penguin!!!...... Grumpy shagged a penguin!!!!"
 
RIVERRAT said:
I got a kick out of that. All this time I thought liberals where humorless. Just goes to show coming here to the house you learn something new everyday:)
Click to expand...

Hey, I just read this! Of course we have a sense of humor. Who do you think glued all those chads back on?
 
Apple Computers New i-Pod, the i-Tit!

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 
Final Exams -- From Children...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead
sheep and canoeists.


Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.


Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.


Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one.)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
 
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?", Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
 
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"



2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him. "



3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."



4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."



5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"



6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."



7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!



8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."



9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."



10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."



11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."



12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
 
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shiekrosie.jpg


Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says. "Who in the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"
 
Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle
with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is
not an option. I will win.

__________________________________________________ _____________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a
couple of beers and break wind, as a form of male bonding.

__________________________________________________ _________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

__________________________________________________ _____________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the
same thing.

__________________________________________________ _____________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
__________________________________________________ _____________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a
whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)

__________________________________________________ _______________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or
sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . and if
you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at
least remember the name and recommend it to others.

__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of
shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.
It does not make your behind look too big. It was the pasta and
potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look
fine. Can we just go now?

__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will
share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking,
the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beverage, wondering what
to do.
 
TC3 said:
_______________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or
sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

__________________________________________________ .
Click to expand...

As a man I would like to state unequivocally that food should be included somewhere between the thoughts of sex.... or even during.
 
I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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Ha Mega fugly...<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ag1QI25Iw8k"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ag1QI25Iw8k" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>
 
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.


"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I have no insurance.

I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to this bar tryin to work up the courage to put an end to my life.

And then you show up and drink the damn poison."
 
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windshield.

Quick, quick shouts Sister Marilyn. What shall we do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

What shall I do now? she shouts.

Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican, says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on.

Show him your cross, says Sister Helen.

Now youre talking,says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, …

“Get the frig off our car c**t”
 
A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a
5-story hotel with a sign that reads “For Women Only”
Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go
in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
“We have 5 floors…go up floor by floor, and once
you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It’s easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what’s
inside”

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
“All the men here have it short and thin” …the friends laugh
and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads ”
All the men here have it long and thin”.

Still, this wasn’t good enough so the friends move
up to the Third floor, where the sign read
“All the men here have it short and thick”.

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are
still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.
In the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect.
“All the men here have it long and thick”

The women get all excited and are going in when
they realize that there is one floor left.
Wondering what they were missing,
they go to the Fifth floor, where the sign read”

“There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove
that there is no way to please a woman” !!!!!!!!!
 
For those who think ya know it all...

(1) There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.

(11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."


--> Scroll down for the answers. Don't cheat! <--

















"Answers To Quiz"

1. Boxing.

2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Baseball.

5. Strawberry.

6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

11. Lettuce.

12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.
 
This has got the be the best damn chicken joke I've ever heard...


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,

with a satisfied smile on its face.



The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and

says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
 
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