The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
 
accident

This morning on the way to the store I rear-ended a car at a light whilst not
really paying attention.
Anyway the fella who was driving got out...
And he was a dwarf
He said "I'm not happy"........
I said "Well then, which one are you?"
 
Seattle Blonde

A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into Puget Sound. She went down to the docks
and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young
sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Listen, you've got a lot to live for...
I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day.'
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added
with a wink, 'An d I'll make you happy, and you can make ME happy.'

The girl nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have
to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he
brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make
mad, passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered
by the Captain. 'What the hell are you doing here?' the Captain
demanded angrily.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, 'she explained. 'I get
free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly), he's
'taking advantage of me', so to speak' (wink, wink)

'He sure as hell is, lady,' the Captain said. 'This is the Bremerton Ferry Boat!'
 
Pilot Conversations

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
 
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
 
First paycheck

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, A Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new House next door
to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the friggin' sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
 
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only £40000,” the jeweller said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
 
Every now & again I hit the print button, and I've got atleast 2 pages of attitude adjustment for any / all who are having a crappy moment / day.
Humor rules.
Great stuff, all !!!
 
My wife told me this one a while back,but knowing her she probably actually did this once:
A very nice looking female officer in this skin tight uniform pulls over a pick-up truck with these two drunk rednecks in it.As she walks to the drivers window,both of the guys were speechless as they had never seen a woman cop before.After a minute she tells the driver to get out and she smacks the hell out of him with her nightstick..He says "damm what was that for?".She said when I walk up to your window you're supposed to give me your license and registration...So he reaches for his info and hands it to her,then she whacks him again..Again he says "what was that for?".She says,after you give me your info you're supposed to get back into the vehicle..So he gets back in,she goes back to her car then comes back shortly thereafter and again he just stares at her.She tell him to get out and she whacks him again...He says again,What was that for?...She said you were speeding and you have a taillight out..He says aren't you gonna give me a ticket..and she whacks him again and says "you're not supposed to tell me what to do,I'm the cop"....So he gets back in the truck and she walks around to the other side and orders the passenger out...He gets out and she whacks the hell out of him...He says,What in the hell was that for?..She says I was just granting you your wish...He said,"Granting me my wish?..What do you mean?..She says now just as soon as I would have gone and gotten back into my car you would have told your buddy here.."I wish that bitch would have hit me like that."
 
Many Years ago a friend of mine was a police officer in Lubbock Texas. One weekday morning in the midst of the morning rush he pulled over a car for a minor traffic violation. He approached the car, leaned down, and asked the driver-a young woman -for her license and registration. As their conversation continued with David ( a big guy 6'4" tall) bent over at the driver's window he noticed that she was staring at his midsectionand not really listening to him. David was wearing a little PIG tietac. He asked "Are you staring at my little piggy." She began to giggle. David said "I'll have you know that that PIG stands for Pride ,Integrity and Guts, do you really think it is that funny?" The woman lost it. Between ill suppressed laughter and gasps for breath she finally managed to say "No, your fly is unzipped." She did NOT get a ticket.
 
As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
When he questioned her as to what she was doing, the daughter said, Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She cautiously entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV with the vibrator next to him buzzing like crazy.
The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
 
A man walked into a pub and ordered a pint. The barman said the barrel needed changing so went down to the cellar. While the man was waiting he went to pick a few peanuts out of a dish on the bar. As he did, one of the peanuts said “That’s a nice haircut!” The man looked at them and another peanut said “You’re good looking too!”

The man was a bit startled, so went over to the fruit machine. Just as he was putting his £1 in the slot, the fruit machine said “Why don’t you frig off, you bloody friggin' wanker”.

Even more astonished, he returned to the bar as the barman got back from the cellar. “Excuse me, but while you were away, the peanuts have told me I’m good looking and your fruit machine has told me to frig off!”

“That’s correct” said the barman. “The peanuts are complimentary, but the fruit machine is out of order!”
 
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq, and the leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."
The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."
The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."
The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."
The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."
 
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah.! so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck. "
 
THE VOODOO PENIS


A businessman was getting ready to go on a long
business trip, so he
thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her
occupied. He went to a
sex shop & explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know tha t I have
anything that
will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...
the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"? The man repeated " The
Voodoo Penis" and
pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The
husband laughed,
and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo
Penis, door!"
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the
door and started
pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly
with vibrations, so much
that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the
man said "Voodoo
Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped &
returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife,
And after the
husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered
the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch". The
penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely
incredible. After three
mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted
and decided she'd had
enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had
neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put
her clothes on,
got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made
her swerve over
the road. A police officer saw this and immediately
pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much
she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had
anything to
drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis
thing stuck in my
crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head
and replied,
"Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history...
 
robyns-laughing-cat-photo.jpg
 
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