cybergeek23851
I like cats...
Hahaha
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
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N
NeTree
Guest
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even
answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the druggist and demand
an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,"Now,
just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go
off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car
keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to
open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
all the time the darnn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half
of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even
answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the druggist and demand
an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,"Now,
just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go
off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car
keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to
open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
all the time the darnn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half
of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
N
NeTree
Guest
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.
He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and has sex with him.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and has sex with him.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"
He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and has sex with him.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and has sex with him.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"
N
NeTree
Guest
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
N
NeTree
Guest
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."
N
NeTree
Guest
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,"
Explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy?
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,"
Explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy?
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."
S
Sparko
Guest
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
“I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Rugby.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty ?
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh bugger.
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
“I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Rugby.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty ?
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh bugger.
N
Newfie
Guest
You know it's a bad day when you discover that your conjoined twin brother is gay.
You know its a bad day when you find out your gay conjoined twin brother has a date tonight.
You know its a really bad day when you remember you and your gay conjoined twin brother only hav eone asshole!
You know its a bad day when you find out your gay conjoined twin brother has a date tonight.
You know its a really bad day when you remember you and your gay conjoined twin brother only hav eone asshole!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
F
Frans
Guest
From the Ca. Arborists Association Newsletter
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
www.ca-arb-association.com
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
www.ca-arb-association.com
sotc
Dormant hero!!
hahaahahahahaha i love it
NickfromWI
King of Splices
Heyyyy...why didn't I get a newsletter?
love
nick
love
nick
F
Frans
Guest
Check your latest e-mail. At the bottom is a PDF. Thats how the newletters will arrive from here on out.
sotc
Dormant hero!!
i didnt get one of those either
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
sotc
Dormant hero!!
ive done that, you cant beleive how people fall for it 
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
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treetx
Traveler extraordinaire
Swear Jar
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GASoline71
'cause chicks dig scars
Oldie but a goodie...
So a penguin limps his poorly running car into the service shop. The walrus behind the counter tells him they'll take a look at it. Should take about 20 minutes.
So the penguin goes for a short walk and comes upon an ice cream shop. He buys a vanilla ice cream cone and then heads back to the shop.
Just as he walks into the shop he trips and smashes the ice cream onto his face and beak... the walrus comes in to the office from the shop and says, "Hey Mr. Penguin, looks like you blew a seal."
"Nah, that's just some ice cream."
Gary
So a penguin limps his poorly running car into the service shop. The walrus behind the counter tells him they'll take a look at it. Should take about 20 minutes.
So the penguin goes for a short walk and comes upon an ice cream shop. He buys a vanilla ice cream cone and then heads back to the shop.
Just as he walks into the shop he trips and smashes the ice cream onto his face and beak... the walrus comes in to the office from the shop and says, "Hey Mr. Penguin, looks like you blew a seal."
"Nah, that's just some ice cream."
Gary
T
Tom_Scheller
Guest
Belly laughs all around on the swear jar. Thanks T-TX.
TS
TS
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
LOL
swear jar made my day.
Rotax
swear jar made my day.
Rotax
sotc
Dormant hero!!
------------------------------------Smith climbs to the top of Mt.
>>> Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
>>> Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to
>>> you?"
>>> The Lord replies, "A minute."
>>> Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
>>> The Lord replies, "A penny."
>>> Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
>>> The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
>>> Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they
>>> take your house and car.
>>>
>>> Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
>>> Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to
>>> you?"
>>> The Lord replies, "A minute."
>>> Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
>>> The Lord replies, "A penny."
>>> Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
>>> The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
>>> Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they
>>> take your house and car.
>>>
R
RReedy
Guest
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but hHe needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.
He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but hHe needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.
He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
SkwerI
Treehouser
While walking through San Francisco, Golden Gate Park a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then
stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to
the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and
said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then
stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to
the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and
said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
