The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

I was concerned that I wasn't getting. Now I get it.... I left my harp in sam clams disco = I left my heart in san fran cisco!

Okay, that's not even funny one bit.

love
nick
 
WHY YOU NEVER ASK A DRUNK A QUESTION

I was shopping at the local supermarket
where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the
conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed
the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
 
O.K.
Here is one for the kids:
Two doggies are running down the beach. they come on this guy laying at the edge of the water and rolling a bit back and forth in the surf.
One doggie looks at the other and says "is he o.k."?
so the other doggie touches noses with the guy and says "yep! his nose is cold and wet"!
 
Two medical students were walking along the street
when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread
apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he
has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old
man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we
learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old
man. They approached him and one of the students said
to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but
notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could
you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must
tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry
Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are
wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have
Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are
wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but
I was wrong.
 
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you."

And shortly after, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?"

"Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday."
 
The Kindness of Texans

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and said, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
 
Norwegian Logger

A NORWEGIAN DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE U. S. TO OREGON TO SEE THE PACIFIC OCEAN .

WHEN HE GETS TO SILETZ, OREGON, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE WEYERHEUSER OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOGGER. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

BUT FIRST, THE FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS. THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT
IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.

THE NORWEGIAN PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "DAT DERE'S A WESTERN HEMLOCK, EH? AND SHE GOT 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!

HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"LORD TUNDERIN'!! DAT'S YER DOUGLAS FIR AND SHE GOT 690 BOARD FEET." SAYS THE NORWEGIAN.

NOW THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED. THE NORWEGIAN HAS ANSWERED QUICKLY AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST.


THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHS POINTING, THE NORWEGIAN SAYS, A PORT ORFORD CEDAR, 242 BOARD FEET AT MOST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE NORWEGIAN IS SMARTER THAN HE. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS THE NORWEGIAN TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE! THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT!! HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?

WHEN THE NORWEGIAN REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK. HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK.

"DAT'S DA FRONT A' DAT TREE FER SURE." THE NORWEGIAN STATES.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"


THE NORWEGIAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT, EH?"
 
Not tonight honey

Not tonight honey....

I have never understood
why the ***ual urge of men and women differ so much.


FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting
into bed.


The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't
feel
like it, I just want
you to hold me."


I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So
she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to

hear..."You're
just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs
as a man."


She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love
me for who I am and
not for what I do in the bedroom?"


Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep...


The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with
her.


We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big
department
store. I walked around with her while
she tried on several different very expensive
outfits. She couldn't
decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes
to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a
pair for each outfit".


We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair
of
diamond earrings.


Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave
short of a shipwreck.


I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for
a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how
to play tennis.

I think I threw her
when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing
***ual satisfaction from all of the excitement.


Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think
this
is all dear, let's
go to the cashier."


I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't
feel like it."


Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled
"WHAT?"


I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while.

You're
just not in touch with my financial needs
as a man enough for me to satisfy

your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she
had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for
who I am and not for the things I buy you?"


Apparently I'm not having *** tonight either......
 
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean dishes.

Frank went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Frank's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, Frank noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied,

"They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Frank was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, Frank was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. Frank yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted



.. "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
 
Neologisms

I found some of this nonsense rather amusing.

Neologisms .....

The Washington Post publishes a contest for readers in which they are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon 👎, A Jamaican proctologist.

Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.

Spatula: n. A fight among vampires.

Excruciate: n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck.

Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.

Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.

Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.

Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.

Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of.

Pontificate: n., a document given to each graduating pope.

Pimple: n., pimp's apprentice.

Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.

Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.

Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.

Cabbage Patch: A patch for those trying to stop eating cabbage.

Sudafed: A software program on how to file a civil action against the government.

Pop Secret: Paternity suit settled without publicity.

Oral-B: Monica's grade on her last intern evaluation.



The Washington Posts Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining ***.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Osteo****osis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: End of the world due to a build up of bad-vibes.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Tumfoolery: When a middle-aged man sucks in his stomach while being introduced to an attractive woman

Fadavers: Last year's hot fads.

Main Geeze: How an elderly, unmarried couple refer to each other.

Polarvoid: The state of having no baby pictures, a condition that usually befalls the second-born child.

Dozie: The lie a person tells when a telephone caller wakes him up and he denies that he was sleeping.

Hooternanny: The au pair you thought was especially promising, but your wife sent back to the agency.

Alexpandria: A town known for its buffet restaurants.

Apocalypstic: The little smudge I came home with on my collar that makes my wife act like it's the end of the world.

Defenestraction: A ruse to divert the cop's attention while you throw the evidence out the window.

Accimental: Caused by a Freudian slip.

Algaebra: What the Little Mermaid wears over her chest.

Aliass: A body double for a nude scene.

Arbyss: The deepest part of the stomach, reserved for two Giant Roast Beefs, large Curly Fries and a chocolate shake.

Avant-harde: Before the Cialis kicks in.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.



Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

� BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

� SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

� CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

� CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

� MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

� PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

� SITCOMs
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

� STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

� STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

� SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

� TOURISTS
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

� TREEWARE
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

� XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

� CHIPS & SALSA
Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

� PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)

� SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

� CLM
(Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

� ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

� DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

� 404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
 
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Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at
4am by the
telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this
hour but
there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex
fectory en
Auckland has burned to the ground.



It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will
be gone
by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those
unwanted
babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from
abroad...Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one
moollion
condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll
know
how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour
of need.

Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds
condoms; 10
unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then
notices
in small writing on each and ivery one.........


MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM


Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy
 
Kama Sutra

Trying to spice things up a little, my wife and I have been working our way through the Kama Sutra. We are currently on page 37: "The Plumber". Its rubbish, you stay in all day and nobody comes...
 
Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at
least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly
60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.
 
Got this from another site............





Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
 
I got a kick out of that. All this time I thought liberals where humorless. Just goes to show coming here to the house you learn something new everyday:)
 
wife joke

Kris walks in to the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have *** with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you!"
 
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