The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

Squirrel catapult

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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.


19. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Either Way, Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!
 
Three friends decided to go to the big city for the weekend. Once in Knoxville, TN, they were walking down the street and saw a sign - "Shirts 2$, Pants $5, Jackets $8". After looking at their current clothing, they all said "Damn, that's a fine deal."

So they added up all the money they had between them, and went in. The leader said, "We'd each like 3 shirts, two pairs of pants, and a jacket".

The owner looked at them and said, "You boys must be from Bristol." "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"This is a dry cleaners."
 
This really is Slash, I think...

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Steve Martin on the Smother's Brothers Show.

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The boy and the farmer

A young boy carrying a 5 gallon bucket walks up to a farmer's house and knocks on the door... the farmer answers and the boy asks, "Farmer, I noticed that you have a field with a lot of honey-suckle in it. I would like to go and fill my bucket with honey if that is alright?"

The farmer chuckles to himself and says, "Go right ahead son... but I doubt you're gonna get any honey form that thar honey-suckle."

The boy smiles and says, "Thank you farmer." Then proceeds out to the field. Two hours pass and the boy walks past the farmer's house with his bucket full of honey. The farmer is amazed, and can't believe his eyes.

The next week the same boy with the same bucket knocks on the farmer's door. "Farmer, I noticed that you also have a field of milk-weed out back. I would like to go and fill my bucket with milk if that is alright?"

Again the farmer chuckles and says, "Go ahead son... but you know you can't get milk from milk-weed."

The boy smiles and says, "Thank you farmer." Then proceeds out to the field. Two hours pass and the boy walks past the farmer's house with his bucket full of milk. The farmer is completely shocked.

The next week the same boy with the same bucket knocks on the farmer's door. "Farmer, I noticed that you have a small field of pussy willow growing down by the stream in the field out back. I would like to go and fill my bucket with......."

"Hang on just a sec son... let me fetch my boots and I'll help ya!"

Gary
 
A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, goes to a *** therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"



The man says, "Will you watch us have ***ual intercourse?"



The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for ***ual advice that he agrees.



When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye.



The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the *** therapist to watch again. The *** therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.



Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
 
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit"

:lol:

Gary
 
Saw this on another forum, thought it was worthy of sharing.

manipulator.jpg
 
My Mom & other pals often e-mail me jokes, and I'm all-like, "Gosh, saw that in the TH like a MONTH ago !" LOL
Gonna e-mail that last one to Mom right now. Thanks, Skwerlinest !!!
 
Fred Oyster and Sam Clam were the best of friends, right up until the day they died. Afterward, Fred went to heaven, but his unfortunate pal Sam went straight to the other place.

And although Fred so enjoyed heaven, he missed his old friend badly. So he begged Gabriel to let him visit Sam, if only for a single day.

"Well, okay," said Gabriel, "But on one condition. You must not leave your wings or your harp down there, and you must not stay overnight." Fred readily agreed.

Upon his arrival into "the other place," Fred began to search for his friend Sam. As it turned out, Sam had done pretty well for himself; he had opened his own disco joint. Fred found him inside and had a great time. They visited and laughed and enjoyed one another's company, until finally Fred looked at his watch.

"Whoops," said Fred, "It's nearly evening. I've got to go. Great to see you, Sam." With that he grabbed his wings and ran for the door.

When he arrived at the pearly gate to Heaven, Gabriel met him. "Where's your harp, Fred?" he asked.

Slapping his forehead, Fred said, "Oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"
 
Johnny wanted to have *** with a girl in his office but she
belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and
said "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have *** with you..."
but...................

The girl said "NO." Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished
by the time you pick it Up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to
consult her boyfriend....................

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him to make it $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants
down.

She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend
calls and asks what happened...................

She said "The bastard used quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
 
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year
old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times. I think we can all, young and old,
relate to this!

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

The manner in which this incident was handled caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and- blood
person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even
further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of myautomated answering service.

# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client
 
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