The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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sotc
Dormant hero!!
In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahahahaaa!
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
vl2007
Treehouser
I knew that was coming, but it still made me laugh!
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they were really expensive, so I bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.
vl2007
Treehouser
President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in upstate New York .
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.
He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle." The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of sh-it it can no longer fly.
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.
He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle." The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of sh-it it can no longer fly.
sotc
Dormant hero!!
Shouldn't this be in the news thread?
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
woodworkingboy
TreeHouser
Ha!
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
@ both!
vl2007
Treehouser
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his [censored] hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school..'
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his [censored] hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school..'
sotc
Dormant hero!!
From facebook
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Smack down
rfwoodvt
TreeHouser
This is probably a repeat, even so, it's worth another look!
THE WISDOM OF LITTLE LARRY
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Little Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, momma?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Little Larry, 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Little Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Little Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Little Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Little Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Little Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
THE WISDOM OF LITTLE LARRY
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Little Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, momma?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Little Larry, 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Little Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Little Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Little Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Little Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Little Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Subject: Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.
"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.
...
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, Son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.
"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.
...
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, Son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
rangerdanger
TreeHouser
so true haha
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A man wakes up at the Mater Hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Hume Highway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite bench tops."
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Hume Highway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite bench tops."
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
¨ I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
¨ The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
¨ Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50... It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
¨ My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
¨ The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
¨ A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
¨ I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
¨ My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
¨ The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
¨ The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
¨ Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50... It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
¨ My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
¨ The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
¨ A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
¨ I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
¨ My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
¨ The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
rfwoodvt
TreeHouser
As I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in Washington and at how my life was falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:
NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
rfwoodvt
TreeHouser
Sorry if this is a repeat, but it is too good not to post!
Afternoon Delight
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" while their 8-year-old son was awake and in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Afternoon Delight
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" while their 8-year-old son was awake and in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
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