The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[SkwerI]

British Ingenuity

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[vl2007]

 

[MasterBlaster]

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/4a6YdNmK77k" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

[rfwoodvt]

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim terrorist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

 

[Jack]

 

[SkwerI]

Grabbed this off another forum. You dads with daughters might like this.

I was finishing my martial arts training class last night, and after class one of the students announced the good news that his wife was pregnant with their first child, confirmed to be a baby girl by ultrasound.

After the congratulations, we all started the typical discussion as to "whats gonna happen when the first date comes around".

Of course, being a father of 2 girls myself makes me a bit apprehensive when the subject of dating my daughters comes up (they are very young, 9 years old and 14 months old, but I am already dreading the "first date"), and we started to lay out the typical "weapon cleaning for intimidation purposes" scenario when the boy comes over to pick the girl up.

Here's where Dom, the new parent-to-be shared his experience in the matter.
It turns out that when he went for his first date with the girl who would later become his wife, the girls father was sitting down at the dinner table cleaning his guns.

He politely introduced himself, and the father made him feel very welcome, asking him to sit down at the table with him to chat for a while.

The father then asked Dom if he liked firearms. Dom, being ever so polite and respectful said "yes sir, I think guns are great, and a necessity in every household".

The Father then told Dom to pick up a revolver he had just cleaned to see how it "felt in his hand".
Dom did so, said it felt great, and went to hand it back to the father.

The father told Dom to place the gun back on the table, and then placed a handkerchief over the gun, grabbed it with the handkerchief, and placed it in a large ziplock bag.
He then told Dom, "Now I have your prints on this gun. Have my daughter home by 10:00." Dom decided to stay in that night and watch videos with his girl in her house, with her parents.
True story.

 

[sotc]

Haha, I like the scenario from the movie bad boys. Just tell the young fellow that anything he does with your daughter, you will do with him when they get home

 

[vl2007]

True...and funny!

Subject: Mr Gorsky

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA,
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH
AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON !"

TRUE STORY.

 

[Burnham]

 

[stig]

Except in the original version it was oral sex!

 

[rfwoodvt]

Snopes, transcripts, voice recordings and Armstrong all say, "Negative Ghostrider, the story is bull."

 

[vl2007]

Snopes, transcripts, voice recordings and Armstrong all say, "Negative Ghostrider, the story is bull."

That's why it's in the joke thread!

 

[MasterBlaster]

Ha!

 

[MasterBlaster]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site.


The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand.


He said to the Italian, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'


To the Scotsman he said, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'


To the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.'


He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to
make a dent in that pile of sand.'


When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was
untouched.


He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'


The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom. You saida to the Chinafella he wasa
ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him
nowhere.'


Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile.'


The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but
ah couldna fin' him either.'


The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese gent.


Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,


'SUPPLIES!!!'

 

[Jack]

Thanks, Butch! My Mom used to tell jokes like that ... God rest her. Silly but FUNNY, we all got a big laugh ... brings back memories of good times!

 

[rangerdanger]

A Greek and Italian were arguing
over who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the
Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian
replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks
gave birth to advanced
mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement,
says, "But we built the Roman
Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek
comes up with what he thinks will
end the discussion. With a flourish
of finality he says, "We invented
sex!" The Italian after a few moments replies, "That is true, but
it was the Italians who introduced it
to women."

 

[CurSedVoyce]

 

[vl2007]

Ole & Clarence


Ole lived across the Minnesota river from Clarence, whom he didn't like at all.

They were yelling across the river at each other all the time.

Ole would yell at Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofer dere an beat
you up good, yeah sure, ya betcha, by golly!"

Clarence would yell back, "Ya don't scare me, ya old [censored]. I cud beatcha wit one hand
behind me back, fer sure!"

This went on for years.

Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up
dat Clarence like you said you vud?"

Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"

Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then
turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, " Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen
I yell at him from across da river, he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge
dat says "Clarence is 13 feet, 6 inches!!!!!.

 

[MasterBlaster]

I had to think about that for a sec...

 

[vl2007]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.


The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on It.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
And handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.


The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...

 

[Husabud]

 

[vl2007]

I was inspired by what MasterBlaster posted,

C:\Users\isa\Pictures\1308916377_girls_take_a_picture_of_themselves.gif

 

[MasterBlaster]

Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obama?"

 

[vl2007]