The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my friggin' perch."
 
Skwerl, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.



It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.



One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.



He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.



As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.



He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.



One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"



Skwerl frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."



Holding the bucket up Skwerl said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."



Some old men can still think fast.
 
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/YCiY1y3uJ3o" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
 
Not a joke, and not me, just a good bar fight story...



4 military friends and I got the ever living shit beat out of us by a rugby team at a bar, in Perth, Australia.

Fuckers aren't human.

Edit: Storytime, I guess; it was requested.

It was around 9pm, local time. Friends and I, (3 Navy, 2 Marine) went to a pub in Perth. After a while, we're scattered about the bar, doing various things. At the time of incident, I was shooting a game of (strange but fun) pool with a lovely female.

I'm mid conversation and laugh when Nathan, one of the marines, comes sliding down the bar head first, as if I was in a rowdy-bar-movie on the wrong continent.

All hell broke loose.

War on "Yanks" was declared, and as I look around I see about 6 gorillas making all of the noise. Within seconds, 2 of us are in straight up combat with 3 or so of them. One of the larger beasts turn to me and roared:

"YE A friggin' YANK?!?@%#$"

Trying to use my head and buy myself a moment to figure out the best way to not get killed; like a boss, I reply:

"NAH, MATE", in my best Aussie accent I could muster.

He stood there for a moment, chest heaving like 2 full sandbags, and cocked his head at me like a giant great dane. I took this as my cue to act.

I took a direct, bent-knuckle right cross to his throat (or what must have anatomically been his adam's apple).

He coughed at me. He coughed in such a way that I must have inconvenienced him, and his ass was chapped about it.

I stood there, horrified, defeated. It was like I just hit a man where it should be lights out, as hard as I could. He coughed at me. Whelp. I got nothing.

He punched me in the chest so hard, that I went head over heals over the pool table. After I took a few minutes to restart the breathing process, I took inventory of the scene for the first time since the bar slip n slide.

It was goddamn pandemonium.

2 of my friends had decided to team up on 1 of them and were doing an ok job, even though they looked like utter friggin' hell. One had him in an arm-bar that seemed to take all of his body to keep up. The other had his legs twisted in some sort of perverted hammer-lock. The giant looked like as if he was enjoying it.

2 of the opposing machines had decided to 2v1 a marine. One of them had his arms, the other his legs, and they looked like they were trying to make him taller, as if he was too puny to merely fight.

Another pair were squared off against eachother. It was more like a gorilla chasing a hare. "STOP FUCKIN MOVIN YE GODDAMN BUGGER I DONT FANCY THE TIME FER THAT RUNNING AROUND SHIT".

My new, giant friend who taught me gymnastics was making his way toward the fray, so I did what any self-respecting American would.

I grabbed a chair, and I hit him with it.

I had a small victory. This made him cry out and lean on the bar for support. He then turned and grabbed me by the collar, pulling me toward him, while his fist was coming at me. I had never been hit so hard in my friggin' life. I don't honestly know how I was conscious. He hit me a few more times in the chest and head, then deposited me on the floor like a forgotten sack of potatoes.

At this point, the bartender/owner/motherfuckingboss smashes a bottle over the counter, lets out a string of intangible words, and it was like someone flipped a switch. Thank friggin' god. I had just started to measure the rest of my life in minutes. Next thing I know, one of the gentle giants comes over and lifts me up with one hand, (you know, because only mortals need 2). "Ye good mate?"

"Sure, I'm great man, I'm ready to do the Macarena"

"frig is that, mate?"

"Horrible yank stuff".

So, as it turns out, Nathan was sitting at the bar, talking to a fine-looking woman (I swear, it really was hard to find an ugly one, apparently one of us tried), and couldn't find his smokes. One of the mountain trolls offered him a "fag". Nathan took this the wrong way, and not to be embarrased in front of the lady, he stood up and got fresh. Then Goliath stood up, and Nathan realized that he made a huge mistake.

Anyway yeh. Good times. They beat the shit out of us. Turns out, they were a big group of teddy bears. A half hour after incident, we were all drunk as frig, swapping stories, putting the bar back together, laughing at Nathan's sheer stupidity, having a great old time.

Edit 2: Forgot to mention the hilarity of watching a 275lb man-giant attempt to mimic the Macarena. Laughing hurt so damn much, but was a small price to pay.

Man, I can't wait to go back.
 
Let me point out that I don't vote, and could care less about who runs our country into the ground. But I do like the jokes that come from both sides. And with that disclosur, here's the joke.


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
>"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
 
Subject: A Tough-Guy Legend

How To Become A Tough-Guy Legend ..
On January 9 a group of Pekin Il, bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.


The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn’t want to appear "un-sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

“My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl""
 
MB, I almost never read this thread and accidentally found myself in it tonight..glad I did. That was a hilarious fight story you told. You have a talent for telling a story, lots of good images and laughs there. Sounds like a hell of a fight with a great ending. Glad you guys survived.
 
Yup. No way I ever got in a barfight the 4 years I was in the Navy. I just quietly sipped my Shirley Temples!
 

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Richard sent me this today.

I thought i would share it here:

Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
Offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
Felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
Arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
> الانتاج 80 من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20-- -------
 
Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you still happy . . . with Obama?"
 
I went to McDonalds for lunch today & the girl serving was wearing a burqa.

I noticed it was quite dirty and tattered and a bit smelly.

It actually put me off so I walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jacks.

Here was another girl wearing a burqa.

I was happy to see that it was clean and it actually was nicely decorated with beads and sequins.

That's when I realised -

the Burqas are Better at Hungry Jacks....
 
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
 
South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in
Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Fuckin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
"We'd never get away with that at home!
 
Practical Jokers!!!

Alien-vs-Predator-shower-flush.gif


:lol:
 
A woman stopped by unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the room was filled with the aroma of perfume.
What are you doing? the woman asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked", the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you are naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. " It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. Whats for dinner?"
He never heard the gunshot!
 
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