Burnham
Woods walker
I thought it was 8 seconds to the bell...new rules sux.
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 13K
- Views 618K
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Tree Reb
TreeHouser
A young polar bear is going through an identity crisis and asks his mum if he is a real polar bear
Of course you are son she replies.
Still not convinced he asks dad the same question
Of course you are son, why do you ask?
Cos I'm bloody freezing dad.
Of course you are son she replies.
Still not convinced he asks dad the same question
Of course you are son, why do you ask?
Cos I'm bloody freezing dad.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahahahaaa!
vl2007
Treehouser
The United States Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side !!!
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side !!!
rskybiz
TreeHouser
LOL
sotc
Dormant hero!!
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then There have been no lipstick prints on the mirrors. There are teachers, and there are educators!
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then There have been no lipstick prints on the mirrors. There are teachers, and there are educators!
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Peter
Treehouser
One for Erik.
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on mylist, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on mylist, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Thor's Hammer
Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #1,910
Haha. I remember hearing that joke when it was Phil Collins and Madonna 
Peter
Treehouser
Old jokes never die, they just get new characters.
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people,
Mary or Jack. It was a tough decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in that day with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
Mary or Jack. It was a tough decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in that day with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahahahahahaaa!
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Keeping up to date with political correctness....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK"
- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"
- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY"
- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND"
- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"
- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY"
- She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS"
- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you
- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP"
- She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS"
- She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER"
- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT"
- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"
- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING"
- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER"
- He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS"
- He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG"
- He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT"
- He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY"
- He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK"
- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"
- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY"
- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND"
- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"
- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY"
- She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS"
- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you
- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP"
- She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS"
- She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER"
- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT"
- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"
- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING"
- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER"
- He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS"
- He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG"
- He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT"
- He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY"
- He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "
sotc
Dormant hero!!
Who was first knighted at King Arthur's round table?
Circumference
Circumference
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahah!
Haha!!
Haha!!
Dave Shepard
Square peg, round world.
The problem with getting quotes off the internet is that you can't tell if they are genuine. -Abraham Lincoln
GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand whose been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room & board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
RANCHER: "That would be me."
RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand whose been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room & board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
RANCHER: "That would be me."
sotc
Dormant hero!!
Thats not funny!!
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Tell me it ain't so!
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Walking into the bar, Rick said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Rick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch. What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken!"
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Rick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch. What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken!"
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
HAHAHAHAHAA
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's".
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's".
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew Raleigh, NC.
Jeff Gordon announced today he has Fired his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's Decision to take advantage of Newt Gingrich’s scheme to employ Harlem Youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
Documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a
Set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of
dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and Bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost In the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he Bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but Within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN Number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr.for 10 cases of Bud, a Bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
Jeff Gordon announced today he has Fired his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's Decision to take advantage of Newt Gingrich’s scheme to employ Harlem Youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
Documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a
Set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of
dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and Bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost In the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he Bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but Within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN Number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr.for 10 cases of Bud, a Bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
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