The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.




This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.




One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant
creature of little intelligence for prognostication.




The other involves a groundhog.
 
<iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/EMCOwq_JzHE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
 
Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..

Tom, the hand from Nebraskasays, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Ben, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested . . . "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Man Bert, the cowboy from Montana, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.......
 
‎'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my a** for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady b**ches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those ***holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little s**ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat a** and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
 
The IRS Sent My Tax Return Back

I guess it was because of my response to the line that said to list all dependents. I replied
12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployable people on food stamps;
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
The ruling families in foreign countries receiving foreign aid; and ... 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
 
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
 
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
 
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TG4f9zR5yzY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
 
The Top 31 Things that You Will Never Hear a Southern Boy Say
31. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.

30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won’t fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

25. You can’t feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We’re vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
8. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here’s an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven’t seen.
4. I don’t have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

And the number one thing that you will never hear a southern boy say:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect Obama!
 
You guys don't know good humor when you see it!


What does DNA stand for?




National Dyslexia Association
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Mesquite
Help with micro pulley selection
Replies
6
Views
1K
Knotorious
Knotorious
Knotorious
I (Think/Hope) I Developed A New Hitch Design
31 32 33
Replies
800
Views
33K
Knotorious
Knotorious
Knotorious
Battling With My New Rope Runner Pro and Its Feisty Bollard Adjustment Settings
Replies
20
Views
2K
Knotorious
Knotorious
cerberus
For powerheads < 30-40CC, is lithium a viable replacement? How about just for 25cc?
Replies
2
Views
1K
SeanKroll
SeanKroll
Magnus
Vertical filing.
Replies
6
Views
1K
Magnus
Magnus
Back
Top