The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry dear; that was just an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
SouthSoundTree
Treehouser
HAAHAAHAA
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Jeff & Jim - Siamese Twins
Americans, Jeff & Jim, are Siamese twins, joined at the hip.
They walk into a bar in New York, and order a couple of beers.
Barman serves them, and asks "You guys been on vacation yet?"
"We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."
Barman says "England's great, the culture, the history, the Queen."
Jeff replies "We don't go for that stuff, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Americans, Jeff & Jim, are Siamese twins, joined at the hip.
They walk into a bar in New York, and order a couple of beers.
Barman serves them, and asks "You guys been on vacation yet?"
"We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."
Barman says "England's great, the culture, the history, the Queen."
Jeff replies "We don't go for that stuff, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahahaaa!
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Sick but true 
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble pieces earlier today. Gotta go for a shit now, could spell trouble.
OTGBOSTON
punk in drublic
Three boys are bragging to each other about whos father is the fastest,
first boy says "my dad is so fast he can punt a football 70 yards and run down and catch it before it hits the ground"
second boy says "my dad is so fast he can hit a baseball from homeplate and run out to centerfield and catch it"
third boy says "thats nothing, my dad works for the City, he gets out of work at 5:00 but he gets home at 3:30 every day"
first boy says "my dad is so fast he can punt a football 70 yards and run down and catch it before it hits the ground"
second boy says "my dad is so fast he can hit a baseball from homeplate and run out to centerfield and catch it"
third boy says "thats nothing, my dad works for the City, he gets out of work at 5:00 but he gets home at 3:30 every day"
sotc
Dormant hero!!
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Madison WI.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode the lining of your stomach. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fats can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have or will at some point eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of silence, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said “Wedding cake?”
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode the lining of your stomach. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fats can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have or will at some point eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of silence, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said “Wedding cake?”
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Two uneducated hillbilly girls walked into a bank. They plopped down a huge bag of quarters, and told the bank manager they would like to open a saving account. The manager tells the girls, " I can certainly help you with that, but how in the heck did you ever hoard all those quarters? ". To which one of the girls replied, " Well my sister whored half of them "
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said...,
"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said...,
"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"
OTGBOSTON
punk in drublic
get that from orsm Rob?
S
Strikermike
Guest
Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newly weds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newly weds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
Burnham
Woods walker
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Beware of the most recent Ebay Scam!
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
Be careful what you purchase on eBay.
I Spent $50 on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight"
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
Be careful what you purchase on eBay.
I Spent $50 on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight"
woodworkingboy
TreeHouser
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
SkwerI
Treehouser
Texts from a dog
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Friggen awesome Brian
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Sounds like it was Netree's dog.
SkwerI
Treehouser
Easy, big guy. Let it go.
SouthSoundTree
Treehouser
what's the difference between a lesbian and a Triscuit?
One's a snack cracker and the other's a crack snacker.
One's a snack cracker and the other's a crack snacker.
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