MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Again, FUNNY! 
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 12K
- Views 510K
A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!
******************************************************
A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
**************************************************
one more
A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!
******************************************************
A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
**************************************************
one more
A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Concerning the last joke, I've heard another version, but it involves a male.
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician
and member of the congregation was chosen to make the
presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to
say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs,
and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my
people were not all like that and I had, indeed,
come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first person to go to him for confession.............
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician
and member of the congregation was chosen to make the
presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to
say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs,
and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my
people were not all like that and I had, indeed,
come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first person to go to him for confession.............
Dave Shepard
Square peg, round world.
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
Subject: Tarzan and Jane
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
So Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh! Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! But I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here' she said." while pointing to her privates ... "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, then stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity! Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?!!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel!"
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
So Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh! Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! But I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here' she said." while pointing to her privates ... "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, then stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity! Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?!!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel!"
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Now those were funny you two!
ever wonder
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both DOGS
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both DOGS
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
How to tell you are married
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to
amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras,
stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos
and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love
you." Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was
wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my
eyes. As soon as he came in the door and
saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to
amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras,
stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos
and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love
you." Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was
wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my
eyes. As soon as he came in the door and
saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
tblough
Climbing Up
Along those same lines...
How do you tell the difference between a lady of the evening, a nymphomaniac, and a married woman?
During sex, the working woman says, "aren't you through yet?"
The nymphomaniac says, "are you done all ready?"
.
.
.
And the married woman says, "Honey, the ceiling needs painting."
How do you tell the difference between a lady of the evening, a nymphomaniac, and a married woman?
During sex, the working woman says, "aren't you through yet?"
The nymphomaniac says, "are you done all ready?"
.
.
.
And the married woman says, "Honey, the ceiling needs painting."
J
JamesTX
Guest
Went to the nutritionist today -
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
SkwerI
Treehouser
Anybody here play Wal Mart Bingo?
N
NeTree
Guest
I just printed that out for Valerie.
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Classic!
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
now THAT is getting printed and distributed. Thanks Squerl!
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left."Ernie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the f #@& away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left."Ernie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the f #@& away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
rfwoodvt
TreeHouser
OH! It Hurts to laugh so much!
darkstar
Rockclimber/ treeclimber
Drinking with a redneck girl.
Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahahaha!
sotc
Dormant hero!!
Guts or Balls.
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, I have listed the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, I have listed the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Concerning Michael Jackson's death, the Los Angeles coroner's initial report has already ruled out sunshine, moonlight and the good times. He is however expected to blame it on the boogie anytime soon....
and....
There may still be hope of bringing Michael Jackson back! Apparently they've sent one of Charlie's Angels in after him.
and....
There may still be hope of bringing Michael Jackson back! Apparently they've sent one of Charlie's Angels in after him.
Micheal Jackson is being cremated.
With all the plastic surgery, he is being melted down and reused to make toys.
its the first time kids can actually play with him for a change.............
farah fawcett was at the pearly gates yesterday. god told her... "you have one wish before you enter the kingdom of heaven"...
and farah said "i wish all the children of the world could be safe"..........
With all the plastic surgery, he is being melted down and reused to make toys.
its the first time kids can actually play with him for a change.............
farah fawcett was at the pearly gates yesterday. god told her... "you have one wish before you enter the kingdom of heaven"...
and farah said "i wish all the children of the world could be safe"..........
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
As Jacko was fighting for his life in the ambulance the Doc said 'I think we should start CPR'. The paramedics said..'no we should start heart massage'. The driver said...'no we should start an adrenaline drip'. Jacko, gasping for breath, said....'frig me ...you wanna be startin' something'!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well...you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'here’s what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that woman with the bad tooth?'
He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well...you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'here’s what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that woman with the bad tooth?'
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