The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[OTGBOSTON]

Italian altar boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads...'

 

[lumberjack]

Here's ya'll a riddle.

At the same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?


If you can't get it, highlight here>>> "Don't look down."

 

[CurSedVoyce]

HAHAHAHA Good one Carl!

 

[CurSedVoyce]

TY Katy Again!

 

[MasterBlaster]

Life Observations


* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

* That's enough, Nickelback.

* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

* Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first
saw it.

* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

* Was learning cursive really necessary?

* Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

* Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

* My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro.

* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

* What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

* Bad decisions make good stories

* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

* "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge
me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'

* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

* When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

* I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my
ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in
about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

* It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

* I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.

 

[Mr. Sir]

Holy cow, Butch! That's the longest post you've ever made. It must have taken forever to type all of that.

Oh, BTW, some of those are pretty funny.

 

[sotc]

THIS JUST IN ...

Democrats, realizing the huge success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained a advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

CASH FOR CODGERS and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person for each child they conceive. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts, while younger healthier codgers will earn them less.

Special "Bonus Money" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups such as; smokers, beer/ alcohol drinkers, persons over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who eat/drink; beef, soda, fried foods, tater chips, lattes, high fat dairy products, eggs, bacon, sweets, cheesecake or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be immediately rendered totally useless via toxic injection upon submission to the plan. This will insure that they are not secretly resold/reused or that their body parts be harvested to keep other codgers in decent repair.




>>
"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand." --Nobel prize-winning economist Milton Friedman (1912-2006)

 

[Magnus]

A young Indian was up for his manhood trials in order to be warrior.
Finally he was to become a man.

He was put infront of three tents.
First tent there was a big jar withy moonshine he was to drink as fast he could.
In second there was a mountain lion with a bad tooth ache. He need to remove the tooth.
Third tent there is a young wonderful virgin that never had orgasm.

He went in to the first tent, about 15min later the jar was empty and a young indian with a good buzz coming on came out to hear the tribe cheer!
He stumbles in to the second tent. There was some loud noices and screams, growlings and it culminated in a bone chilling scream.
The tribe that was sure he was dead was surpriced when he came out asking:
"Where's the tent with the woman with a toothache???"

 

[MasterBlaster]

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA




Gawt DANG!

 

[sotc]

Ha!

 

[CurSedVoyce]

GOD AND LAWN CARE​

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.


St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

 

[sotc]

Ive seen that before, pretty good one

 

[sotc]

Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted!

Why were the elephants thrown outta the pool?
They couldn't keep their trunks up!

What do you use to fix a broken chimp?
A monkey wrench!

Which animal do you not want to play cards with?
A cheetah!

 

[MasterBlaster]

Now this is a question you do not get too often...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to
the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust...

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he
asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am
taking tomorrow off to be home just in case his guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to
hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer
yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same
fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have a vagina'....

'Yes' she says......

The man replies....... ? Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start using yours'?

 

[blue]

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

 

[NeTree]

If you receive an email

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

canned pork

because of

swine flu............


Ignore it.



It's just Spam.

 

[Tree Reb]

A Victorian farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc...
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with
them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods,
bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of
them is honking the horn."

 

[MasterBlaster]

I wonder why he had to take them 'into the woods?' Hahaha.

 

[lumberjack]

So the wife doesn't get jealous.

 

[simplypete]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VULK5RRxxbY

 

[rfwoodvt]

Archaeologists revealed yesterday the skeletal remains of what are believed to be an all female species of dinosaurs.

The methods of reproduction are still a mystery but they have determined that there may have been sexual type interactions among the general population of this new species.

Scientists are now calling this new dinosaur Lixalottapus

 

[edenarb]

Subject: Stevie Wonder v Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?' Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, hen, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'you play GOLF?’ Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger, 'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'what’s your handicap?’ Stevie says, ‘I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'we’ve got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick any night'

 

[SkwerI]

Fishing Quiz For The Masters – Not As Easy As It Looks.

Test your fishing knowledge.

 

[CurSedVoyce]

HAHAHA...

 

[NeTree]

I don't get it... where were the quiz questions?