The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

After closing the local Pub a drunk was proudly showing off his new
apartment to a couple of friends.


He led the way to his bedroom where standing against the wall was a big brass gong and a mallet.


'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong
an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.


The three stood looking at one another for a moment...

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:

'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
 
micheal jackson did something not many else have done, he was born a cute little black boy, and died an old white woman....


I heard that somewhere recently, sorry if it was here or near here.... :D
 
Speaking of which, I heard about a chewable pill today that's suppose to help with tinnitus. I don't remember the name, but I'll keep an ear out for the commercial again.
 
My fishing buddy swears by Ring Stop. He says that it doesn't eliminate the Tinnitus but ameliorates the buzzing greatly.
 
-------------------------
Purina Diet
-------------------------

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh?).

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require need help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning". He said, "No, just taking a shit."

Short and sweet!
 
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together, in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, then they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So, Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said, pulling a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your
bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thuffocate’
 
A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer,
the higher the price. He opts for the item that is most sheer, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral services are pending.
 
A beech tree and a birch tree have been growing next to each other for a long time. One day they notice a young sapling sprouting up between them. Wondering which of them is the parent, they ask each other "is it a son of a beech or a son of birch?" After a long argument, they decide the woodpecker is the only one who can answer their question. After calling him over and explaining the dilemma, the woodpecker flies down and pecks a few bites from the sapling. "So which is it?" say the trees. "Is it a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" "Neither" replies the woodpecker. "That there was the finest piece of ash I ever got my pecker in."
 
The economy is so bad that ...


...a truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.



....Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.



....Motel 6 won't leave the light on.



....the most highly paid job is now jury duty.



....people in Africa are donating money to Americans.

.....mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate. Do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"



....CEOs are now playing miniature golf.



....Jewish women are marrying for love.



....Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.



....McDonald's is selling the quarter-ouncer.



....parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.



....the Mafia is laying off judges.



....even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.



And finally...
.....Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $3 trillion disappear.
 
CHINESE SICK LEAVE :


'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'
 
A cucumber, a pickle and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber says “Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat and juicy they cut me up and stick me on a salad”.

The pickle looks at him and says “You think you have it bad? When I get big fat and juicy they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me and stick me in a jar”.

The penis looks at him and says, “You think you have it rough? When I get big fat and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!”
 
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