D
discgolfborist
Guest
why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
fo drizzle
fo drizzle
Last edited:
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
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C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
FORE!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his groin.
Thanks to her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his groin.
Thanks to her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
sotc
Dormant hero!!
THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists.
The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes:
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,
U.S. Marines
The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes:
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,
U.S. Marines
N
NeTree
Guest
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned,
waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned,
waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
SkwerI
Treehouser
aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghh! That was awful! 
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahahaha.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Tools explained...
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
N
NeTree
Guest
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t * ts in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet..
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t * ts in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet..
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!' She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahahahahahaaa!!!
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre.
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
Angie sent that to me yesterday, I laught so hard I hurt myself.
rangerdanger
TreeHouser
M
Mr. Sir
Guest
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the
Confessional, The man said: 'Father .... DuringWorld War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and
Asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you
Did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what
You did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under
Those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the
Confessional, The man said: 'Father .... DuringWorld War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and
Asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you
Did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what
You did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under
Those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured American what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Barack Obama is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing Democrat d!@&head who knows nothing at all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi! '
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'
On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured American what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Barack Obama is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing Democrat d!@&head who knows nothing at all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi! '
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking very slowly.
One of the students said to his friend, 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'
The other student says, 'No I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are spread apart, just as we learned in class.'
Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, 'We're medical students and we couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'
The old man said, 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you fine medical students think.'
One of the students said, 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought, but you are wrong'
Then the other student said, 'I think you have the Zovitzki Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought, but you are wrong.'
So they asked him, 'Well, old timer, what exactly do you have?'
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS, but I was wrong."
One of the students said to his friend, 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'
The other student says, 'No I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are spread apart, just as we learned in class.'
Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, 'We're medical students and we couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'
The old man said, 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you fine medical students think.'
One of the students said, 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought, but you are wrong'
Then the other student said, 'I think you have the Zovitzki Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought, but you are wrong.'
So they asked him, 'Well, old timer, what exactly do you have?'
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS, but I was wrong."
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Proper Grammar
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged.. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged.. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
J
JamesTX
Guest
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
An old man goes into a drug store
to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee in my slippers.'
to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee in my slippers.'
RENTAL PROPERTY
>
>
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared
to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a Summons ordering
his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his
lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore took a somewhat different from the way he had originally planned to present it.
"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
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One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared
to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a Summons ordering
his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his
lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore took a somewhat different from the way he had originally planned to present it.
"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Damn, that was long!
But funny!
But funny!
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
A man escaped from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He broke into a house to look for money and guns and found a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous... If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.
To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you, too
He broke into a house to look for money and guns and found a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous... If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.
To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you, too
The Blonde Biker Bar and the Blind Man
Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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