Paul B
I dig hammocks.
hey, logic would say that the robber would have, well, darn, that sounds like an unhappy marriage....
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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NeTree
Guest
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard ran back into the house.
They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long, he said as they drove away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the roses!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard ran back into the house.
They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long, he said as they drove away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the roses!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
N
NeTree
Guest
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
N
NeTree
Guest
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served
the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die."
whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit
the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Kennedy "I don't know
why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."
Kennedy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand
in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a
look
of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Kennedy.
"Amen" said Hillary.
The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."
the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die."
whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit
the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Kennedy "I don't know
why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."
Kennedy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand
in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a
look
of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Kennedy.
"Amen" said Hillary.
The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."
N
NeTree
Guest
N
NeTree
Guest
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
Word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and made love to her all the next night - but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
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You can't kill two birds with one stone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
Word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and made love to her all the next night - but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
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You can't kill two birds with one stone.
N
NeTree
Guest
The police officer had just pulled over a yuppie on a new Harley for running a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please..." the officer asked.
"What's the problem, officer?" the yuppie replied.
"You just ran a stop sign." the officer said.
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a single car anywhere in sight."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and only then proceed with caution."
"You've got to be kidding me!" the yuppie said.
"It's no joke sir." the officer said flatly, pulling out his citation book and preparing to write a ticket.
"Look I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one, and proceeded with caution."
The officer sighed and slowly shook his head.
"That's beside the point sir, you are supposed to come to a complete stop and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." the officer began.
"You sure do have a lot of time on your hands pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed this early?" the yuppie asked sneering.
"SIR!" The officer sighed. "I'll over look that last comment now let me see your license and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." the yuppie said, folding his arms across his chest.
A smile appeared on the officer's face.
"Sir, I can do better than that."
The police officer quickly jerked the rude yuppie off his Harley, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
"May I see your driver's license and registration please..." the officer asked.
"What's the problem, officer?" the yuppie replied.
"You just ran a stop sign." the officer said.
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a single car anywhere in sight."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and only then proceed with caution."
"You've got to be kidding me!" the yuppie said.
"It's no joke sir." the officer said flatly, pulling out his citation book and preparing to write a ticket.
"Look I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one, and proceeded with caution."
The officer sighed and slowly shook his head.
"That's beside the point sir, you are supposed to come to a complete stop and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." the officer began.
"You sure do have a lot of time on your hands pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed this early?" the yuppie asked sneering.
"SIR!" The officer sighed. "I'll over look that last comment now let me see your license and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." the yuppie said, folding his arms across his chest.
A smile appeared on the officer's face.
"Sir, I can do better than that."
The police officer quickly jerked the rude yuppie off his Harley, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
B
Blackbeard
Guest
"Tree" wise guy
Where do you get the time to write this stuff - you're in the wrong line of work buddy, ever thought of journalism?
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
"Tree" wise guy
Where do you get the time to write this stuff - you're in the wrong line of work buddy, ever thought of journalism?
I actually did a couple of journalism courses at night school a few years ago! However, the 'U.S. being repossessed' post was alas not written by my good self, just forwarded from an e-mail sent to me by a friend, so you guys could have a laugh.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
I bet that last one tastes crappy!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says...
"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says...
"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
That's almost racist, LOL!
N
NeTree
Guest
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.
As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready. If you please."
Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs and so on.
The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tack.
The robot asked, "What is your IQ sir?" this time however he answered, "Oh, about 100."
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest Basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.
Again the robot asked the question. "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, "UH..........'bout 50!"
the robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?
As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready. If you please."
Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs and so on.
The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tack.
The robot asked, "What is your IQ sir?" this time however he answered, "Oh, about 100."
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest Basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.
Again the robot asked the question. "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, "UH..........'bout 50!"
the robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
B
Brian
Guest
Spitzer
My brother just told me this one
Why did Elliot Spitzer seek the company of a prostitute?
Because his wife was a Spitzer not a Swallower..................
My brother just told me this one
Why did Elliot Spitzer seek the company of a prostitute?
Because his wife was a Spitzer not a Swallower..................
N
NeTree
Guest
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a
job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month
and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question
for you What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a
job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month
and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question
for you What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable.
N
NeTree
Guest
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. There's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached
orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it!
You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other
things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and
soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
over his body.
"Now," he says ....... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. There's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached
orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it!
You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other
things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and
soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
over his body.
"Now," he says ....... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
N
NeTree
Guest
A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.
”Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.
”Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"
N
NeTree
Guest
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
"He's a martyr now", says the older mom.
"Oh, so sad, my dear", says the other mom.
Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kali. He would be 21 now."
"Oh, I remember him, too. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
"Oh gracious me" says the second mother.
"And this is my third son, my beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18 now", whispers the Mom.
"Yes", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he started school."
"He's a martyr also", Mom says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says: "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
"He's a martyr now", says the older mom.
"Oh, so sad, my dear", says the other mom.
Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kali. He would be 21 now."
"Oh, I remember him, too. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
"Oh gracious me" says the second mother.
"And this is my third son, my beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18 now", whispers the Mom.
"Yes", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he started school."
"He's a martyr also", Mom says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says: "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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