The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
************ **************

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
******* *******************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Of fice :

"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************


Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window :
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
********* *****************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait. "

*** ***********************
At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
" Best place in town to take a leak"
 
Here are some of the worst--and funny!--real-life examples of resume typos published by Rinkworks.com:


* "I am very detail-oreinted."


* "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."


* "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."


* "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."


* "Served as assistant sore manager."


* "Special skills: Thyping."


* "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."


* "I have used lots of software appilcations."


* "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."


* "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."


* "I am a rabid typist."


* "Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."


* "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."


* "Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."


* "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."


* "Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."


* "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."


* "Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."


* "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."


* "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"


* "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."


* "I am sicking and entry-level position."


* "I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."


* "My salary requirement is $34 per year."

Warning! This is what happens when you give too much information:


* "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."


* "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."


* "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."


* "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."


* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."


* "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."


* "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."


* "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."


* "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."


* "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."


* "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."


* "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."


* "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"


* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."


* "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."
 
Seen on a hardwood flooring truck...

"Our heart pines for your tongue and groove."
 
:lol: tongue and groove...






The Fart File

The Common Fart
The Common Fart is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the "Ripper",
but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet
comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group
gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that
everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence...
Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart.
Common Fart


The Anxious Fart
The Anxious Fart is let in a place where someone does not want the
fart to be heard. You may have seen men and women in book stores
or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts.
They are generally controlled, usually barely audible, and require
much skill to master.
Anxious Fart





The Coughing Fart
The Coughing Fart is one that the farter tries to cover up with a
cough. My Dad used to let these farts all the time when he worked
at the Bingo Hall. He would stand at the back of the hall and
cough, just as a nice "common fart" was let. It can be embarrassing for the farter,
and those around the farter, if the timing is off at all,
or if the fart is longer than anticipated.
Coughing Fart






The Wet Fart
The Wet Fart is one that sounds quite juicy.
Quite often this fart is cause for alarm, and an indication that a
trip to the toilet is imminent.


Wet Fart








The Blower
This fart is similar to the ripper, except it has a bit of a
hollow, windy sound to it. This is due to farter blowing all the gas out quickly.
This fart will almost always get a laugh.


Blower Fart








The Tight Bun Fart
This fart is always recognizable. It sounds like the farter's buns were so tight
that he/she was in pain while farting.
Tight Bun Fart








The Ripper
One of the best farts around is The Ripper. It is loud, rough, and always
raises an eyebrow or two. Characteristics of The Ripper often show up
in other farts, but make no mistake - this fart is a single,
powerful gas-bubble that comes screaming from the farter's butt.
Ripper Fart
 
The Octopus




A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
 
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's
in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle
for a walk around the block? I asked Mom,
but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to
disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on
the leash and
only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash.
;Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"


The little girl said,
"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home."
 
For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history....... It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off....
 
How To Speak Southern

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

Aig - What a hen lays

Aints - He's got aints in his paints

Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin

Bag - He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub burned out

Cheer - What you set in

Crick - A small stream

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core - He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow - Animal on Farm

Deppity - He helps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz - Satidy night social

Ellum - A graceful tree

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Faince - Whats round the hawg lot

Far - What get the brandin arn hot

Furred - He got furred from his job

Flar - A rose is a purdy flar

Frash - Them aigs ain't frash

Furiners - All non-'bamans

Further - Hits ten miles further to town

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n

Hilbilly - People in the next county

Hollar - Whats between the hills

Hard - Got a brend new hard

hand Tar - His core blew a tar

Laymun - A sour fruit

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk - what you get from cyows

Mere - What you see your self in

Minners - Live bait

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Nup - No

Orrel - Them hinges need orrel

Ormy - What the sojers go in

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition - What separate the rooms

Poke - A paper bag or sack

Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit - A green vegetable

Puppet - What the preacher is in

Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang - You wear it on your fanger

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch - A big cow farm

Rat - Do it rat now!

Rench - Rench the soap yourself

Roont - She plum roont her shoes

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Soardeens - Small canned fish

Shar - A light rain

Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody

Pop - A soft drink

Sprang - Water out'n the ground

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat

War - A bobbed war fance

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Warter - What you worsh your face in

Yurp - A continent overseas
 
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware
 
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies,

'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
 
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
 
How a blonde pole dances.



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You know you're really Irish...

Sent to me by a good Irish mate of mine, also an arborist and from Dublin originally...



You will never play professional basketball.

You swear very well.

At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office. And you have at least one aunt who is a nun, or uncle who's a priest.

You think you sing very well.

You have no idea how to make a long story short!

There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone...

Much of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin.

You have never hit your head on a ceiling.

You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer (catholic guilt forever!).

You're strangely poetic after a few beers.

You are, therefore, poetic a lot.

You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.

Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.

Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen ... and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen .

Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.

You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.

You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.

You're not nearly as funny as you think you are ... but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.

There wasn't a huge difference between your last Wake and your last keg party.

You are, or know someone, named Murph.

If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully . Then you probably know Sully McMurphy.

You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.

You have Irish Alzheimer's... you forget everything but the grudges!

'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'

All of your losses are alcohol-related (loss of virginity, loss of driver's license, loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth from punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.

Your skin's ability to tan.... not so much.

At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other (not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to each other).

Childhood remedies for the common cold often included whiskey.

There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.

You met your husband/wife/significant other/accountant/lawyer/landscaper/etc. in a bar.
 
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disdain. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Duke Medical Center, Durham, North Carolina. ( Visiting hours are between 1p.m. and 2 p.m. I.C.U. )
 
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