The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of
Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
soundmindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"
 
Two guys get in a fender bender. They both get out to inspect the damage. Turns out one guy is a dwarf. He says, "I'm not happy". The other guy says, "Great - which one are you then"?
 
Last edited:
James , That one will work better if you say "one driver is a dwarf.".
My wife can't tell jokes-she always substitutes a synonym that defangs the joke or tells the punchline before the set-up.
 
A gift idea for the Democrat that has everything...

Fw_%20Gift%20Idea%20for%20the%20Democrat%20Who%20Has%20Everything%201.jpg
 
Knife fight with a terrorist

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

The answer can be found by your response to the following situation:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife Comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Colt .45 automatic and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

-- ------------------------------------

Democrat's Answer:










Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor? Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

What do the European courts say about this situation?

Does the Colt have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few a days and try to come to a consensus.

.................................................. ..................
Republican's Answer:









BANG!

.................................................. .................
Redneck's Answer:













BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.....

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those Hydra-Shoks, or Winchester Silver Tips?'

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?'

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
 
The 11th Husband

Saw this on another forum,

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her
new
husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the
puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

Well,
husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going
to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how
it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back
with
me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was
in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know
when he
would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the
basic process, but he wanted three years to research, implement, and
design a
new state of the art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he
thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or
not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was
talk about it.

Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at
it.

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...........God
I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so
excited."

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"

"You're with
the "GOVERNMENT". This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED
 
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,

"Don't flush, don't flush!"
 
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

















5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.


:D
 
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior
that was going on. So He called one of His angels to go to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving
and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another
angel to get a second opinion. So God called another angel and sent him to
earth
for a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth
is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased.



So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were good, because He wanted to
encourage them..... give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?











No?



Me neither, I did get one.
 
Religions Of The World...


1. Taoism - Shit happens.


2. Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama ding ding.


3. Hindusim - This shit happened before.


4. Islam - If shit happens, take a hostage.


5. Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?


6. Buddhism - When shit happens, is it really shit?


7. Confucianism - Confucius say, "Shit happens".


8. 7th Day Adventist - Shit happens on Saturdays.


9. Protestantism - Shit won't happen if I work harder.


10. Catholicism - If shit happens, I deserve it.


11. Jehova's Witness - Knock, knock, "Shit happens!"


12. Unitarian - What is this shit?


13. Mormon - Shit happens again and again and again ...


14. Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to me?


15. Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit!

:D
 
At least she's pretty!

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qQdhMSEqhfg"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qQdhMSEqhfg" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>
 
True Story

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who
surprisingly, did not whine, nag, nor bitch ...
but this was a long time ago ... and it was just
ONE day.

The End
 
MasterBlaster said:
At least she's pretty!

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qQdhMSEqhfg"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qQdhMSEqhfg" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>
Click to expand...

wow, yeah, at least she is purty indeed.
 
an excerpt from Skwerl's link:

"Pete Garbacki said "the only intelligent thing she did was to specify 'U.S. Americans.' Canadians and Mexicans are also 'Americans' technically. We are of the United States. That is actually an intelligent thing that many of your readers are too dense to understand." "
 
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