The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[FireFighterZero]

Good ones, both of you!

 

[Fiddler]

.

 

[MasterBlaster]

,

 

[Fiddler]

.

 

[MasterBlaster]

a

 

[FireFighterZero]

That aint no shit!

 

[Fiddler]

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a whisky.
Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[SouthSoundTree-]

hahahaha

 

[MasterBlaster]

.

 

[FireFighterZero]

Great stuff Dave and Butch!

My buddies took a cop car home once, the cop laughed about it later.

 

[Steve Mack]

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

 

[Fiddler]

At the Catholic Church in Adelaide , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed
to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I'v tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but best of all is, I took
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

 

[FireFighterZero]

x2

 

[MasterBlaster]

http://imgur.com/gallery/N5Fhzej

 

[MasterBlaster]

http://imgur.com/gallery/bnocZ

 

[MasterBlaster]

a

 

[CurSedVoyce]

Love that bit

 

[Chris E]

Jennifer Love Hewitt, such a fox

 

[Raj]

http://imgur.com/gallery/bnocZ

A Canadian Army toast.

Here's to the hole that never heals, the more you rub it the better it feels There ain't no soap this side of hell, that can wash away that fishy smell Women, liquor, cards and dice - To blue balls, syphilis, crabs and lice We've had them all by jesus christ - Gentlmen, the queen

 

[SimplyArbor]

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly an fat, balding, sweaty man walks up to him. "Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

 

[SimplyArbor]

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly an fat, balding, sweaty man walks up to him. "Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

 

[Fiddler]

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

 

[RopeArmour]

 

[MasterBlaster]

a