The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now
that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when
I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks up the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as
if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she
wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I t hink deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching
behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine
seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Thanks, Bob
 
robbed this from another but very funy

IT'S A TRUE STORY AND HAPPENED ON A SYDNEY RADIO STATION


Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show. The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number)for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly,they both win a prize;


One particular game, however, made drop to its knees with Laughter and here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please".

Contestant: "Brian"

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes".

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please"

Brian: "Sara"

DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"


Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"

DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes"

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake"

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"

DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."

DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh"

Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: "On the kitchen table"

DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous Hundred times

I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this"

3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (Touch tones...ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos"

DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she"

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are liveon the air right now and I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No"

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be Completely honest"

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"

Sara: (laughing) "yes"

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning"

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"

DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she istrying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes"

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell them honey"

DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"

Sara: "well....."

DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"

.
.

Sara: "Up the arse!"

After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need to take a Station break.......
 
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TOOL DICTIONARY

A. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

B. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch.."

C. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

D. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

E. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

F. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

G. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

H. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

I. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

J. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

K TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

L. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbours to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

M. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

N. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

O. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

P. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Q. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

R. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

S. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

T. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

U. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

V. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

W. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

X. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Y. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Z. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets
 
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's behind and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WALMART WON'T let me shop there anymore!!!
__________________
Wag more, bark less.
 
Justin, don't forget Right Angle Grinder from the tool list.

Device used to remove metal and create a smoother surface. Also commonly know to remove parts of gloves, and in common occurances, flesh, blood, and creating scars in human operators. Common features are a side handle that is often times ignored, wheels in sizes ranging from as small as 4 to sometimes 9 inches in diameter; works on the premise of a motor spinning a gear box which turns the cutting wheel or grinding disc faster than the speed of death.
 
The Crabby Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really
great news. Which do you want to hear first?

"Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's
the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-
five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
 
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
 
HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. He had gone deer hunting with friends and I was shopping with my friends all d ay long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my c aress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was disracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.
 
OMG, that one is going to the "print" file ! My "Up North" clan will eat it up !!!
 
I showed my wife. She said it wasn't funny because that's how women really think.
 
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None of them were bright enough to snatch off a shoe and hit the button with a reach extender.
 
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