MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
This is funny. 
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 13K
- Views 622K
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Loud horns.
Loud horns.
<embed style="width:400px; height:326px;" id="VideoPlayback" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=1171013797384954189&hl=en" flashvars=""> </embed>
Loud horns.
<embed style="width:400px; height:326px;" id="VideoPlayback" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=1171013797384954189&hl=en" flashvars=""> </embed>
J
JonnyHart
Guest
A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man.
Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?" Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water.
Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!". Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again... this time leaving him there a little longer.
Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?" Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!" At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time.
A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!" Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"
Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?" Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water.
Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!". Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again... this time leaving him there a little longer.
Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?" Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!" At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time.
A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!" Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"
pete mctree
Treehouser
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(Bloody Hell.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try
this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(Bloody Hell.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try
this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
I ain't buying that pig stuff.
sotc
Dormant hero!!
i woudnt take it for free let alone buy it! 
W
Webby
Guest
Once the boars started he won't dis-mount until he's finished!
B
bernmeister
Guest
Talking dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog?
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that. "
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog?
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that. "
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
Lost at Home Depot
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
pete mctree
Treehouser
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!
Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!
Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A son asks his Dad the diference between theortically and realistically. The Dad says thats hard but I have an idea.
Ask Mum if she would sleep with the Milkman for £1m, yes she replies.
Dad now says ask your sister if she would sleep with the coleman for £2m, yes she replies.
Dad says, well son theoretically we are sitting on £3m quid but realistically we are living with 2 slags!
Ask Mum if she would sleep with the Milkman for £1m, yes she replies.
Dad now says ask your sister if she would sleep with the coleman for £2m, yes she replies.
Dad says, well son theoretically we are sitting on £3m quid but realistically we are living with 2 slags!
J
JamesTX
Guest
Has this one been posted yet?
_____________________________________________________________
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
_____________________________________________________________
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
pete mctree
Treehouser
R
RReedy
Guest
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," M ike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the resu lts.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," M ike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the resu lts.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
R
RReedy
Guest
A Father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
"Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling
hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I
knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos,
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my
eyes
to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing
it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby
for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science
will
find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't
worry Dad I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
"Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling
hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I
knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos,
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my
eyes
to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing
it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby
for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science
will
find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't
worry Dad I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
S
Sparko
Guest
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner with
her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl told her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know bout condoms and s-e-x.
At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms 3-pack,
10-pack, or a family pack.
"I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
"I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!"
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a f***ing pharmacist!!
her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl told her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know bout condoms and s-e-x.
At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms 3-pack,
10-pack, or a family pack.
"I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
"I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!"
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a f***ing pharmacist!!
R
RReedy
Guest
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a pink bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates.
I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a pink bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates.
I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
T
top hopper
Guest
not really a joke but cute nonetheless....
Thor's Hammer
Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #247
Haha... in the original calvin says dogdirt...
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
T
The Branch Doctor
Guest
Here kitty kitty.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
steal
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
