The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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Paul B
I dig hammocks.
HAHAHAH!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Press any key.
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cybergeek23851
I like cats...
Classic Simpson's 
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
I love Homers moomoo (sp? ) isnt that the episode hw gain enough weight to be considered obese and thusly doesnt need to work anymore?
cybergeek23851
I like cats...
Aye.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Obese people don't have to work? Ha.
B
bernmeister
Guest
redneck valentine poem
RED-NECK VALENTINE
Collards is green
My dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have
A sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
A flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas
You move like the bass
Which excite me in May
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
Jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as 'snuff'
Right out of the can
You have som'a yore teeth,
For which I am proud.
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions
When you shave under yore arms
Well, I'm in hawg heaven
And awed by yore charms
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know
What I did to deserve
Such a purdy, young doe
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there for yore man.
To patch up life's troubles
And fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
A buzzin' overhead
You ain't mean like those fat ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
Like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life
More than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'
Despite all the years
Yore age, it keeps hidin'
Me'n you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day.
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive." I say
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
These won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift
Without taste or odor.
More useful than diamonds....
Yeah, baby, It's a new Trollin' Motor
RED-NECK VALENTINE
Collards is green
My dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have
A sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
A flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas
You move like the bass
Which excite me in May
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
Jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as 'snuff'
Right out of the can
You have som'a yore teeth,
For which I am proud.
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions
When you shave under yore arms
Well, I'm in hawg heaven
And awed by yore charms
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know
What I did to deserve
Such a purdy, young doe
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there for yore man.
To patch up life's troubles
And fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
A buzzin' overhead
You ain't mean like those fat ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
Like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life
More than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'
Despite all the years
Yore age, it keeps hidin'
Me'n you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day.
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive." I say
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
These won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift
Without taste or odor.
More useful than diamonds....
Yeah, baby, It's a new Trollin' Motor
A
allmarktree
Guest
A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says " Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit duuuuuuuude ... how much water did you drink??
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says " Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit duuuuuuuude ... how much water did you drink??
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
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R
RReedy
Guest
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
MAD!!!
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was
a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the
box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
MAD!!!
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was
a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the
box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
UCLA STUDY (very interesting)
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or
menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape
over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest who is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
__________________
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or
menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape
over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest who is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
__________________
vharrison
Island Girl
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
vharrison
Island Girl
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
vharrison
Island Girl
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few
more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and sa id , "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few
more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and sa id , "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
vharrison
Island Girl
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
SkwerI
Treehouser
An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded
to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while.
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a 'still'. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes.
"You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while.
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a 'still'. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes.
"You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
milk cow
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota who is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised.
He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does eventually come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota who is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised.
He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does eventually come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."
R
RReedy
Guest
R
RReedy
Guest
The Dad decided to bring his 5 yr old daughter with him Saturday morning while
he got a haircut. On the way, He stopped and got her some treats to satisfy her
while he was in the chair. After arriving, they waited awhile for Dad's turn.
Finally the Dad climbed in the chair. The Barber started cutting his hair.
Being curious, the little girls wanders over near the barber to see what he was
doing. The Barber looked down at her and said "Be careful sweetie, you'll get
hair on your twinkie.." She said " I know, and I'm gonna grow Boobs too !!"
he got a haircut. On the way, He stopped and got her some treats to satisfy her
while he was in the chair. After arriving, they waited awhile for Dad's turn.
Finally the Dad climbed in the chair. The Barber started cutting his hair.
Being curious, the little girls wanders over near the barber to see what he was
doing. The Barber looked down at her and said "Be careful sweetie, you'll get
hair on your twinkie.." She said " I know, and I'm gonna grow Boobs too !!"
R
RReedy
Guest
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
farmer
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his
entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to1603
Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is
very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he
said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over
cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend
me. How do I know that when we get in he alley you won't hold me up
against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The
farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the
goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the
bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his
entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to1603
Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is
very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he
said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over
cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend
me. How do I know that when we get in he alley you won't hold me up
against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The
farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the
goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the
bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Helga
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a
roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked
down Main Street. She passed a tarvern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked
in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she
would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a
roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked
down Main Street. She passed a tarvern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked
in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she
would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"
R
RReedy
Guest
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't
work. Let's try to rephrase that" The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do wit h being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't
work. Let's try to rephrase that" The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do wit h being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
