The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Poor Joe comes home from work to find one of his best friends in bed with his wife. He pulls out a gun and shoots him forthwith. His wife says, "Keep that up and you won't have any friends left!"
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The woman with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." She put on a pair of dark glasses, went over to the bar and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman replied, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman replied, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog".
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said .....
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!"
The woman with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." She put on a pair of dark glasses, went over to the bar and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman replied, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman replied, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog".
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said .....
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!"
N
NeTree
Guest
Must be for people who only need a LITTLE visual aid...
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
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MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
T
Tree Guy's Wife
Guest
R
RReedy
Guest
Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S.Marine
Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the
terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot
spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada"
one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western
world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played
the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final
wish?" "Kick me in the ass ," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader.
"Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to
kick me in the ass ," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the
open, and kicked him in the ass . The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to
his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader
dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his
M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis
were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?"
"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three Assholes report that I was
the aggressor?
Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the
terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot
spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada"
one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western
world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played
the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final
wish?" "Kick me in the ass ," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader.
"Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to
kick me in the ass ," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the
open, and kicked him in the ass . The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to
his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader
dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his
M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis
were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?"
"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three Assholes report that I was
the aggressor?
rumination
Migratory Hippie Arbolist
You have to read this one out loud if you want to get it.
A man walks into a bar. He has a newt sitting on his shoulder. The bartender asks him "What's that on your shoulder?".
The man replies "It's my pet newt."
"Oh, I see. What's it's name then?"
"His name is Tiny."
"Why did you name him Tiny?"
"Because he's minute!"
A man walks into a bar. He has a newt sitting on his shoulder. The bartender asks him "What's that on your shoulder?".
The man replies "It's my pet newt."
"Oh, I see. What's it's name then?"
"His name is Tiny."
"Why did you name him Tiny?"
"Because he's minute!"
R
RReedy
Guest
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked
And walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was
Stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?"asked
The officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is
Going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
And walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was
Stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?"asked
The officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is
Going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
R
RReedy
Guest
Subject: SMART ASS ANSWERS
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No Sir, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess
you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No Sir, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess
you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" he asked.
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," He said, "What do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that many people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" he asked.
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," He said, "What do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that many people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform, went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well!
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform, went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well!
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention
T
Tree Guy's Wife
Guest
rumination
Migratory Hippie Arbolist
Ha! Good one Justin.
F
Frans
Guest
Great jokes, here is one:
Subject:African Safari
For my seasoned friends out there!
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts.......age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Subject:African Safari
For my seasoned friends out there!
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts.......age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
R
RReedy
Guest
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
vharrison
Island Girl
M
Mr. Sir
Guest
What WAS that stuff all over his car?
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
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cybergeek23851
I like cats...
The evolution in teaching math
since the 1950s.
1. Teaching Math In 1950s:A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is
his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $80 and, therefore, his profit is
$20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest
because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the
habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does
this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way
of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger
was cutting down their homes? (Note: There are no wrong answers.)
6. Teaching Math In 2006: Un hachero vende una carretada de
maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Es verdad.
Muchas gracias
since the 1950s.
1. Teaching Math In 1950s:A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is
his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $80 and, therefore, his profit is
$20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest
because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the
habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does
this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way
of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger
was cutting down their homes? (Note: There are no wrong answers.)
6. Teaching Math In 2006: Un hachero vende una carretada de
maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Es verdad.
Muchas gracias
J
J.W.
Guest
how come the monkey fell out of the tree?.......................
cause he was friggin' dead stupid!
cause he was friggin' dead stupid!
