SouthSoundTree
Treehouser
A new form of the stink-eye.
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
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Szajer
alive with pleasure
I'm sure it's been used here already, but one of my favorites.
Why do men die before their wives do?
Because they want to.
Why do men die before their wives do?
Because they want to.
mastermind7864
Treehouser
Why People Hate Class Reunions
Cathy, Sue and Jane haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Cathy arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Cathy in a glass of wine.
Then Jane walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Cathy explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Bill, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Bill is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clint, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Jane explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ted. They run a tropical bird park in Memphis and grow their own vegetables. Ted can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Cathy blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clint are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Jane admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Cathy, Sue and Jane haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Cathy arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Cathy in a glass of wine.
Then Jane walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Cathy explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Bill, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Bill is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clint, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Jane explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ted. They run a tropical bird park in Memphis and grow their own vegetables. Ted can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Cathy blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clint are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Jane admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
FireFighterZero
Captain Zero!
An older couple are sitting through the sermon in church when the wife leans over and whispers " I just let a silent fart, what should I do?"
Her husband leans over and whispers, " Well, first of all you should change your hearing aid battery!"
Sorry
Her husband leans over and whispers, " Well, first of all you should change your hearing aid battery!"
Sorry
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
mastermind7864
Treehouser
A Farmer received the following text from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The Farmer, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,... and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi"; not "wife". Sorry!!!
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The Farmer, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,... and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi"; not "wife". Sorry!!!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahahaaa!
SouthSoundTree
Treehouser
That's really funny. Auto Correct is my greatest enema.
mastermind7864
Treehouser
Ha
vl2007
Treehouser
Obama has been on the phone with Moscow for the past three hours....................He's still on hold.
vl2007
Treehouser
Obama vows not to let being put on hold to weaken his resolve.
mastermind7864
Treehouser
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment..
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment..
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
FireFighterZero
Captain Zero!
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Have always loved that bit Randy
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Dave Shepard
Square peg, round world.
Deja Moo, when you get the feeling you've heard this bull before.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
rumination
Migratory Hippie Arbolist
Haha, I like that one!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
mastermind7864
Treehouser
Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with. What do they do?
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They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter!
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They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter!
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