The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[mastermind7864]

The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Wisconsin for $2,000.00. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet what to do. They told the Vet, "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded since they hadn't said where they had bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet!" they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

 

[FireFighterZero]

Believe me, when that happens, it ain't funny at all!!!

Crap! I forgot the friendly local constabulary paid you a visit that morning!

 

[FireFighterZero]

All those girls in college must have transferred from Wisconsin! Couldn't be any other explanation.

 

[mastermind7864]

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

 

[MasterBlaster]

Hahahahahahaaa!!!

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[mastermind7864]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff,
trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says,
"since you're about to kill yourself anyway,
would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me...you’re a
sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

 

[FireFighterZero]

That one actually made me cringe! Wow.

 

[mastermind7864]

 

[MasterBlaster]

.

 

[mastermind7864]

LOLZ

 

[MasterBlaster]

.

 

[CurSedVoyce]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[bstewert]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

Hahaha!

 

[Husabud]

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[Husabud]

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?






































Very satisfying.

 

[SouthSoundTree]

So this joke is meant to be told, not written, but too funny to me not to share.

Do you know the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones sing, "Hey, Hey, You, You, Get offa my cloud!".
A Scotsman yells, "Hey, Hey, MacLeod (McCloud), get offa my ewe!".

 

[MasterBlaster]

Hahahahahaaa!!!

 

[mastermind7864]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.


The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.


The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.


The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high --


AND you'll have great stamina with the ladies."


So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.


He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"


She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."


She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."


He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this ✖✖✖✖ but me".

 

[MasterBlaster]

Hahahaaa!

 

[CurSedVoyce]

LOL

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[bstewert]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."