B
Brian
Guest
***SNIP***
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The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 12K
- Views 510K
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
OK true story from yesterday... As they say, from out of the mouths of babes.
Yesterday Katy was baby sitting two brothers. Kinda went like this........
Older (5 yr old) brother goes to the bathroom... Followed by the baby (1 yr old) brother. The following was over heard from the bathroom down the hall.
The older brother.... "OW! Let go of my snake. That hurts! Let go! Please stop! Don't grab my snake! Don't hit me with that snake! OW!!!!!!"
At this point we would like to note that previously they were playing with a toy stuffed snake. Big brother had it. Little brother took it and was swinging it over his head in the bathroom while his brother was trying to do the duty.
Yesterday Katy was baby sitting two brothers. Kinda went like this........
Older (5 yr old) brother goes to the bathroom... Followed by the baby (1 yr old) brother. The following was over heard from the bathroom down the hall.
The older brother.... "OW! Let go of my snake. That hurts! Let go! Please stop! Don't grab my snake! Don't hit me with that snake! OW!!!!!!"
At this point we would like to note that previously they were playing with a toy stuffed snake. Big brother had it. Little brother took it and was swinging it over his head in the bathroom while his brother was trying to do the duty.
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Public Notice!
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
SkwerI
Treehouser
Wal-Mart Job Interview
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
& nbsp;
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
& nbsp;
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
And I bet he's talking shit. 
SkwerI
Treehouser
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, 'It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call 30 times before he would even answer the phone.'
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. 'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.' 'When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing of the hook.' He continued, 'Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.'
'Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her..
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. 'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.' 'When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing of the hook.' He continued, 'Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.'
'Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her..
sotc
Dormant hero!!
hahaha
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
What's In A Name?
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear!
These are not made up. Check them out yourself.
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com
2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than
' Pen Island '. It can be found at:
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com
6. 'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com
7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com
Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site.
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear!
These are not made up. Check them out yourself.
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com
2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than
' Pen Island '. It can be found at:
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com
6. 'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com
7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com
Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site.
N
NeTree
Guest
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty
female doctor.
The female doctor says, I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to.I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99 .
The guy obeys and says, 99.
The doctor says, Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99 .
Again, the guy says, 99.
The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate
with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your
penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The guy begins, One .. Two ... Three....
urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty
female doctor.
The female doctor says, I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to.I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99 .
The guy obeys and says, 99.
The doctor says, Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99 .
Again, the guy says, 99.
The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate
with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your
penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The guy begins, One .. Two ... Three....
N
NeTree
Guest
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she
Asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
Gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
Upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
Appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
While we were in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have
Sex?' 'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
Her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller
Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
Reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
Sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,'
I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
Those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started.....
**************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
Little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
One are you?'
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
Reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
Please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started......
Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she
Asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
Gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
Upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
Appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
While we were in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have
Sex?' 'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
Her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller
Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
Reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
Sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,'
I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
Those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started.....
**************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
Little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
One are you?'
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
Reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
Please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started......
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Anytime a url ends in numbers or crazy letters, you'll end up posting a red x.
M
Mr. Sir
Guest
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs.Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
************************************************************
***
*An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, 7 his car is weaving violently all over
the road. *
*A cop pulls him over. *
*'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'*
* 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.*
*'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'*
*'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.*
*'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?'*
*'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf.'*
************************************************************
**
*Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.*
*'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'. *
*'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my
husband?'*
*'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery'*
*'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'*
*'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.*
*Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'*
*'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned.'*
*'Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'*
*'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'*
****************************************************************
**
*Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.*
*He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'*
*She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night.'*
*The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?'*
*She says, 'That he did, Father.'*
*The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'*
*'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...' '*
****************************************************************
**
*AND THE BEST FOR LAST*
*A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.*
*The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.*
*Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.*
*The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either.'*
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs.Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
************************************************************
***
*An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, 7 his car is weaving violently all over
the road. *
*A cop pulls him over. *
*'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'*
* 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.*
*'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'*
*'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.*
*'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?'*
*'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf.'*
************************************************************
**
*Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.*
*'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'. *
*'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my
husband?'*
*'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery'*
*'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'*
*'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.*
*Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'*
*'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned.'*
*'Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'*
*'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'*
****************************************************************
**
*Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.*
*He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'*
*She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night.'*
*The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?'*
*She says, 'That he did, Father.'*
*The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'*
*'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...' '*
****************************************************************
**
*AND THE BEST FOR LAST*
*A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.*
*The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.*
*Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.*
*The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either.'*
rumination
Migratory Hippie Arbolist
Why don't Buddhists vacuum the corners of their apartments?
They don't have any attachments!
HAHAHA! I love corny jokes...
They don't have any attachments!
HAHAHA! I love corny jokes...
rumination
Migratory Hippie Arbolist
And speaking of corny humor, this stuff is classic:
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<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/1lyEw3Oxd6U&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/1lyEw3Oxd6U&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
B
Blinky
Guest
Jesus and Gabriel were playing golf one day.
Jesus tee'd off with a terrible slice that arced out into the woods where it bounced off some favorable branches and dropped toward a pond where it bounced off the back of a turtle just rising to the surface and onto the antler of a wandering deer. The ball balanced precariously on the deer's rack as he walked toward the green where the wayward ball dropped to the ground, rolled to the hole and circled the rim three times before falling in for a hole in one.
Gabriel looked at Jesus and said, "Are you gonna play golf or frig around?"
Jesus tee'd off with a terrible slice that arced out into the woods where it bounced off some favorable branches and dropped toward a pond where it bounced off the back of a turtle just rising to the surface and onto the antler of a wandering deer. The ball balanced precariously on the deer's rack as he walked toward the green where the wayward ball dropped to the ground, rolled to the hole and circled the rim three times before falling in for a hole in one.
Gabriel looked at Jesus and said, "Are you gonna play golf or frig around?"
M
Mr. Sir
Guest
A Fish Story
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite.
Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!"
The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger.
Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or are you gonna fish?"
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite.
Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!"
The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger.
Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or are you gonna fish?"
N
NeTree
Guest
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge...Show him your badge!'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge...Show him your badge!'
N
NeTree
Guest
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman is yelling about men drivers. The man says, 'So, you're a woman. That's interesting. I'm just a man. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the woman replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...some men shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The man continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune and Luck!
He hands the bottle to the woman. The woman nods her head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle without letting up and then hands it back to the man.
The man takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the woman.
The woman asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The man replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
Flattered, the woman replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...some men shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The man continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune and Luck!
He hands the bottle to the woman. The woman nods her head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle without letting up and then hands it back to the man.
The man takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the woman.
The woman asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The man replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
M
Mr. Sir
Guest
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
M
Mr. Sir
Guest
Oh, the pity of old age.
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours"
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours"
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"
sotc
Dormant hero!!
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
Actual Answers on a California Drivers Test The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?A: Be too effed up to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?A: Be too effed up to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?A: Carry loaded weapons.
C
Chisel Tooth
Guest
OLD LOVE
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to
herself how men need to be told how to do everything. So, she opens the window
and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to
herself how men need to be told how to do everything. So, she opens the window
and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
D
discgolfborist
Guest
why don't hispanics cross the border more than two at a time?.........
The sign says no tres.passing
The sign says no tres.passing
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