The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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N
NeTree
Guest
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says,"About two hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said,
"To your house."
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says,"About two hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said,
"To your house."
N
NeTree
Guest
In a private hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
N
NeTree
Guest
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
This cracked me up....
Subject: a Craigs List add Worth Reading
A craigslist posting someone found and linked.
>
> To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
>
>
>
> I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that
> you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife
> on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my
> girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come
> across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't
> expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after
> you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
> reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.
> You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911
> .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a
> shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
> It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your
> head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great
> deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
> with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm
> sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your
> shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have
> you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to
> mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
> "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and
> explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some
> gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless
> guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the
> cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a
> dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your
> cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to
> know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and
> I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so
> I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they
> haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to
> make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office
> with it. Oh well. So, about your pants. I know that I was a
> little rough on you when you did this whole attempted
> mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm
> sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like
> to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the
> detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and
> was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for
> not killing you and instead making you walk back home
> humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your
> choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
> If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch
> and laundry. Peace!
> - Alex
Subject: a Craigs List add Worth Reading
A craigslist posting someone found and linked.
>
> To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
>
>
>
> I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that
> you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife
> on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my
> girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come
> across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't
> expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after
> you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
> reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.
> You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911
> .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a
> shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
> It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your
> head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great
> deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
> with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm
> sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your
> shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have
> you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to
> mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
> "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and
> explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some
> gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless
> guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the
> cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a
> dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your
> cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to
> know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and
> I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so
> I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they
> haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to
> make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office
> with it. Oh well. So, about your pants. I know that I was a
> little rough on you when you did this whole attempted
> mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm
> sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like
> to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the
> detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and
> was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for
> not killing you and instead making you walk back home
> humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your
> choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
> If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch
> and laundry. Peace!
> - Alex
N
NeTree
Guest
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheese, salami, anchovies) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
“Abdul, you son of a camel, where is my water?” demanded the Emir.
“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “But a man is sitting on the well.”
The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheese, salami, anchovies) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
“Abdul, you son of a camel, where is my water?” demanded the Emir.
“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “But a man is sitting on the well.”
N
NeTree
Guest
Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work
Work Poop is inevitable...
[We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work...]
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential ‘TURD BURGLAR’s that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential ‘TURD BURGLAR’s Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the ‘WALK OF SHAME’
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making joe-ks or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FREQUENT FLYER
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a ‘FREQUENT FLYER.’ People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT OF THE CLOSET
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an ‘OUT OF THE CLOSET’ pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the ‘OUT OF THE CLOSET’ pooer before entering the bathroom.
POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of ‘OUT OF THE CLOSET’ pooers, and identify ‘SAFE HAVENS’.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the ‘TURD BURGLAR’ leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it’s best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the ‘COURTESY FLUSH’.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Work Poop is inevitable...
[We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work...]
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential ‘TURD BURGLAR’s that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential ‘TURD BURGLAR’s Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the ‘WALK OF SHAME’
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making joe-ks or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FREQUENT FLYER
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a ‘FREQUENT FLYER.’ People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT OF THE CLOSET
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an ‘OUT OF THE CLOSET’ pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the ‘OUT OF THE CLOSET’ pooer before entering the bathroom.
POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of ‘OUT OF THE CLOSET’ pooers, and identify ‘SAFE HAVENS’.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the ‘TURD BURGLAR’ leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it’s best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the ‘COURTESY FLUSH’.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
N
NeTree
Guest
There was a man named John who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked John to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. John replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning John was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and John says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left-handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with John always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left- or right-handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, “John, every Saturday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?”
John replies, “Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed.”
“Well,” one of the employees questioned, “What happens if she is laying on her back?”
John replies, “Then I am 10 minutes late.”
On Saturday morning John was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and John says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left-handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with John always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left- or right-handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, “John, every Saturday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?”
John replies, “Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed.”
“Well,” one of the employees questioned, “What happens if she is laying on her back?”
John replies, “Then I am 10 minutes late.”
N
NeTree
Guest
The 7 Dwarfs go to the vatican, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome '
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome '
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
N
NeTree
Guest
I don't know if this is true, but this sure sounds like it could be...
This is a true story with an excellent outcome.
On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.
In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.
He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
This is a true story with an excellent outcome.
On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.
In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.
He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
N
NeTree
Guest
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of d iamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of d iamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
BlackSmith
Uncivil
Ray is gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "Ray, I'm not going to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS."
Ray is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doctor replies "Eat 1 link of curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled
carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40
peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..."
Ray asks, bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your ass is for.
The doctor comes back and says, "Ray, I'm not going to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS."
Ray is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doctor replies "Eat 1 link of curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled
carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40
peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..."
Ray asks, bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your ass is for.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free... Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Good 'un!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
This ain't a joke, but it makes me LOL.
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Who cut the cheese
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CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade. 'The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.'
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade. 'The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.'
M
Mr. Sir
Guest
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors'
daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months! I told him to stop or I'd
leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much,
but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to
him anymore..
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors .
I hope this helps,
WALTER
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors'
daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months! I told him to stop or I'd
leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much,
but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to
him anymore..
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors .
I hope this helps,
WALTER
J
JamesTX
Guest
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat?
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
I don't remember ever seeing Superman duck. 
J
JamesTX
Guest
I don't remember ever seeing Superman duck.
2:50
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MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
I must be blind.
J
JamesTX
Guest
He ducked the exploding wall.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Well he must be a pussy.
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