The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

[Fiddler]

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

 

[MasterBlaster]

Horrified graduates flee as planes attack them with hats!

 

[Fiddler]

 

[MasterBlaster]

Fierce beast, for sure!!!

 

[MasterBlaster]

.

 

[FireFighterZero]

Good ones Dave and Butch!

My cousin graduated the Air Force Academy and I got to go down and watch when I was a kid. Quite a deal.

 

[Dave Shepard]

A friend of mines son will be graduating from the Air Force Academy this year. I'm building a timber framed bar for his wedding this summer.

 

[BlackSmith]

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[Fiddler]

Couple of good ones guys!

 

[SouthSoundTree-]

My friend's lab-mix could hold a McDonald's cheeseburger in her mouth, eat it, except for spitting the pickles out. Nothing dropped but pickles, ever.

 

[sotc]

Sounds just like me, pickles and all.

 

[Fiddler]

General, the Chow/Golden I had, would eat pizza and spit out only the olives. There would be a little pile after the piece was gone.

 

[Fiddler]

Dear Mom & Dad.

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

[stig]

That was a great surprice at the end

 

[sotc]

Yeah, I sent that to my nephew that just finished basic

 

[MasterBlaster]

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[MasterBlaster]

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[MasterBlaster]

 

[Mick!]

Good run there.

 

[Fiddler]

w

 

[MasterBlaster]

 

[Burnham]

 

[BlackSmith]

The Aisle Seat


Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...


Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked . "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?



This hatred? This animosity?



This spitting in shoes; and Pissing in Cokes?"

 

[MasterBlaster]

Hahahahahahahahahahaaa!!!