CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
HAHAHA
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer.
The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says “You guys need to learn your limits.”
The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says “You guys need to learn your limits.”
sotc
Dormant hero!!
Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.
It will be named the “Politician”.
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
It will be named the “Politician”.
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
canadiantreeman
TreeHouser
HAHA!
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
SoonerFan
TreeHouser
A retired chemical engineer now spends his time turning beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
N
NeTree
Guest
An illegal alien, a Muslim, and a communist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks...
"What can I get you, Mr. President?"
The bartender asks...
"What can I get you, Mr. President?"
Tree Reb
TreeHouser
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm and he found just what he was looking for.
During an inspection of the property however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer.
If the buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest.
So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free.
The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings.
Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?"
During an inspection of the property however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer.
If the buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest.
So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free.
The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings.
Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?"
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Love it Steve....
Some copy pasta from Mom today....
Subject: Notes from the edge of life
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy, okay?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece
of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
( This, I think, is going to start a new online game.)
Some copy pasta from Mom today....
Subject: Notes from the edge of life
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy, okay?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece
of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
( This, I think, is going to start a new online game.)
sotc
Dormant hero!!
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
N
NeTree
Guest
One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House
from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to thE very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Pres. Obama" The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said,
"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted,
and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to thE very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Pres. Obama" The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said,
"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted,
and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
Peter
Treehouser
I know I dont have the firmest grasp of the inner workings of your political system..................
But, once someone has served as President, don't they retain that title for life?
But, once someone has served as President, don't they retain that title for life?
N
NeTree
Guest
Yes.
pigwot
M's, Juniper's, Lowen’s, and Inge’s Grandpa
You'll find in this crass, somewhat rude new approach to politics over the past ten or so years that many will not refer to President Bush or President Obama in the proper dignified manner that has been a hallmark of respect afforded current and former presidents through the years.
I continually run into folks, not able to understand that one person at the head of the Executive branch of the government does not have the ability to single-handedly solve the problems of a nation. These same folks tend to believe in a story fostered by big-business interests which increasingly influence politics and that propels them to vote against their own best interests.
When a person in a position of authority is set against the workings of big money, banks, and corporate entities allied with an increasing radicalization of the two party system, along with their media mouthpieces which largely *control the lives of the populace, that person rarely has the ability to effectively counter the flood of negativity fostered against him or herself.
*(I belief the majority of US citizens have learned their biases, manner of dress, speech, thought, and how and who to support politically from growing up glued to serial sitcoms and 'reality' TV which is anything but reality)
In the case of President George W. Bush many infuriated by an administration which used the same lies and false tactics of the corporate world do not wish to show respect for a man who they feel rolled back environmental laws, allowed energy companies to make their own rules, and eased banking restrictions which have led to massive problems and war profiteering and a huge deficit and by association allowed big business to profit on the backs of the majority of US citizens, take tax breaks and send jobs overseas.
In the case of President Barak Obama I think another factor comes into play. Racism is still alive and deep-seated in the United States, and refusing to call him "President Obama" is akin to calling a grown black man "boy". The majority of his detractors try to frame President Obama as what he isn't and to place the deficit, job loss, banking issues, wars, and other 'troubles' he inherited squarely on his shoulders alone. Years ago a juvenile delinquent accompanied our family to the summer day camp my parents have run for 62 years. After five weeks his father came to pick him up and was aghast that his son was not reformed. I recall my father's response: "Rocky, I'm afraid we couldn't undo in five weeks what you took twelve years to make".
A little perspective and questioning of the veracity of what the corporate media complex is paid to portray to the public and a dose of civility and true attempts to meet on common ground might help steer us back to a position where we could make some strides toward solutions. It was in elementary school that I first heard 'those who sling mud are the ones who get the dirtiest".
Let's all stop and take a look at the physical evidence of the stress upon any one of the individuals who have held the position of President of the United States. Every one grays prematurely, earns deep creases in their face and are humbled by the immensity of the responsibility and the demands upon them to do what even King Solomon could not always accomplish. Each has earned the title of "President" despite not being able to earn the respect of all.
Rolling Stones:
And I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"
Sing it to me now...
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need
I continually run into folks, not able to understand that one person at the head of the Executive branch of the government does not have the ability to single-handedly solve the problems of a nation. These same folks tend to believe in a story fostered by big-business interests which increasingly influence politics and that propels them to vote against their own best interests.
When a person in a position of authority is set against the workings of big money, banks, and corporate entities allied with an increasing radicalization of the two party system, along with their media mouthpieces which largely *control the lives of the populace, that person rarely has the ability to effectively counter the flood of negativity fostered against him or herself.
*(I belief the majority of US citizens have learned their biases, manner of dress, speech, thought, and how and who to support politically from growing up glued to serial sitcoms and 'reality' TV which is anything but reality)
In the case of President George W. Bush many infuriated by an administration which used the same lies and false tactics of the corporate world do not wish to show respect for a man who they feel rolled back environmental laws, allowed energy companies to make their own rules, and eased banking restrictions which have led to massive problems and war profiteering and a huge deficit and by association allowed big business to profit on the backs of the majority of US citizens, take tax breaks and send jobs overseas.
In the case of President Barak Obama I think another factor comes into play. Racism is still alive and deep-seated in the United States, and refusing to call him "President Obama" is akin to calling a grown black man "boy". The majority of his detractors try to frame President Obama as what he isn't and to place the deficit, job loss, banking issues, wars, and other 'troubles' he inherited squarely on his shoulders alone. Years ago a juvenile delinquent accompanied our family to the summer day camp my parents have run for 62 years. After five weeks his father came to pick him up and was aghast that his son was not reformed. I recall my father's response: "Rocky, I'm afraid we couldn't undo in five weeks what you took twelve years to make".
A little perspective and questioning of the veracity of what the corporate media complex is paid to portray to the public and a dose of civility and true attempts to meet on common ground might help steer us back to a position where we could make some strides toward solutions. It was in elementary school that I first heard 'those who sling mud are the ones who get the dirtiest".
Let's all stop and take a look at the physical evidence of the stress upon any one of the individuals who have held the position of President of the United States. Every one grays prematurely, earns deep creases in their face and are humbled by the immensity of the responsibility and the demands upon them to do what even King Solomon could not always accomplish. Each has earned the title of "President" despite not being able to earn the respect of all.
Rolling Stones:
And I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"
Sing it to me now...
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need
N
NeTree
Guest
Peter
Treehouser
Must have missed the punchline, I'll re-read.
canadiantreeman
TreeHouser
Haha...I'm not the only one that finds that rather sombre vs. funny.
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
I am sorry, but respect is earned and not just given as a title that came with one's position at a time in their life.
I also find it extremely hard to respect some one that is entirely disrespectful to the public they are supposed to serve.
There is a need in this country to break through and have a president that is female or a "minority". The very idea that we may have broken through that wall by having Obama elected into the White House sadly could have worked against the very thing we needed. He has, by his actions as President (a lot that were opposite of his campaign platform promises) possibly closed the very door people were trying to open. The public will now go further into a prejudiced state of belief and be wary of ever walking this path again. JMO.
Now you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you do get what you need. More people have become more politically active and wanting the change we need to put our government back on track. Sometimes you have to really piss people off to shake them awake.
Loved the jokes BTW
I also find it extremely hard to respect some one that is entirely disrespectful to the public they are supposed to serve.
There is a need in this country to break through and have a president that is female or a "minority". The very idea that we may have broken through that wall by having Obama elected into the White House sadly could have worked against the very thing we needed. He has, by his actions as President (a lot that were opposite of his campaign platform promises) possibly closed the very door people were trying to open. The public will now go further into a prejudiced state of belief and be wary of ever walking this path again. JMO.
Now you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you do get what you need. More people have become more politically active and wanting the change we need to put our government back on track. Sometimes you have to really piss people off to shake them awake.
Loved the jokes BTW
N
NeTree
Guest
I'm sure it will come out sooner or later- hell, we're finding some scary stuff out now... but I don't recognize Obama as the lawful President of the United States.
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
And that as well... and that as well!
R
Rborist1
Guest
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. "He replied, " Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
R
Rborist1
Guest
It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'
The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces...............
'Crap!' said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'
The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces...............
'Crap!' said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
At first, I didn't catch that previous joke.
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