B
Blinky
Guest
You watch wut you say about Ala-DAMN-Bama now! We wuz drivin' an shootin' septic tanks afore you wuz born!:what:
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
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B
Blinky
Guest
It's pee-khan (Carya illinoinenses) ... damn yankee.:roll:
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Yep, that's how you pronounce it!
woodworkingboy
TreeHouser
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
G.W. drunk
I got a laugh outa this little clip of George Bush.
http://www.wallaceladmogerald.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=143
I got a laugh outa this little clip of George Bush.
http://www.wallaceladmogerald.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=143
B
Blinky
Guest
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
Told to me by the homeless guy that sweeps the median at an intersection near my house after I gave him a toonie (two dollar coin).
1. Whats the japanese word for a dirty diaper?
sackapoopoo...
2. whats at the bottom of the ocean and quivering?
a nervous wreck
3. how do you circumcise a whale?
send down four skin divers
1. Whats the japanese word for a dirty diaper?
sackapoopoo...
2. whats at the bottom of the ocean and quivering?
a nervous wreck
3. how do you circumcise a whale?
send down four skin divers
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
woodworkingboy
TreeHouser
Haha...and I thought the olympics was lacking in spirit.
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old runs a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know - I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea - listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful - knock on wood.'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you ... as soon as I see who's at the door.'
One night the 96-year-old runs a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know - I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea - listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful - knock on wood.'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you ... as soon as I see who's at the door.'
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Shit!!' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Shit!!' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh shit, am I driving ?'
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh shit, am I driving ?'
Thor's Hammer
Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #1,141
Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
Thor's Hammer
Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #1,142
How do you get a fat girl into bed?
piece of cake.
piece of cake.
B
Blinky
Guest
That's pretty damn subtle.
J
JamesTX
Guest
The Top 18 Barack Obama Campaign Slogans
18. Barack to the future!
17. Please ignore the Middle-Easterny name.
16. Because the whole "slow-witted Texan with a safe-sounding name" thing didn't work out so well.
15. Face it, America: It's me or the Ice Woman.
14. Once you go Barack, you never go back.
13. Barack: Cultural Learnings of Books and the Enlightenment for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of America
12. Hey, what's the problem? You elected Marion Berry *twice*!
11. Not Hillary Clinton for president.
10. Your last chance for a black president before the country's overrun by Mexicans.
9. Straight Outta Cul-De-Sac
8. He beats Hillary hands down in the bathing suit competition!
7. After our last president, we need one Hussein.
6. Obama: Just pretend he's Irish.
5. Restoring English as the official language of State of the Union addresses.
4. C'mon, you KNOW you want to see Trent Lott piss his pants!
3. America: Movin' on up!
2. It's time for a different B.O. in the White House.
and the Number 1 Barack Obama Campaign Slogan...
1. As American as imam's apple pie!
18. Barack to the future!
17. Please ignore the Middle-Easterny name.
16. Because the whole "slow-witted Texan with a safe-sounding name" thing didn't work out so well.
15. Face it, America: It's me or the Ice Woman.
14. Once you go Barack, you never go back.
13. Barack: Cultural Learnings of Books and the Enlightenment for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of America
12. Hey, what's the problem? You elected Marion Berry *twice*!
11. Not Hillary Clinton for president.
10. Your last chance for a black president before the country's overrun by Mexicans.
9. Straight Outta Cul-De-Sac
8. He beats Hillary hands down in the bathing suit competition!
7. After our last president, we need one Hussein.
6. Obama: Just pretend he's Irish.
5. Restoring English as the official language of State of the Union addresses.
4. C'mon, you KNOW you want to see Trent Lott piss his pants!
3. America: Movin' on up!
2. It's time for a different B.O. in the White House.
and the Number 1 Barack Obama Campaign Slogan...
1. As American as imam's apple pie!
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."
"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."
"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man,
'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any
medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After
I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and
then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually
cold chilly.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an
unusual concern.. He claims that he is usually hot and
sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then
cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know
why?'
'Oh that crazy old man,' she replied.
'That's because the first time is usually in July
and the second time is in January.'
'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any
medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After
I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and
then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually
cold chilly.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an
unusual concern.. He claims that he is usually hot and
sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then
cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know
why?'
'Oh that crazy old man,' she replied.
'That's because the first time is usually in July
and the second time is in January.'
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
woodworkingboy
TreeHouser
Haha..that dog has a subtle way of telling the lady that she needs to go on a diet.
SkwerI
Treehouser
Hah! The camera operator had a lazer pointer.
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