lumberjack
Young man on the go
Hahahha didn't noticed that, Brian.
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
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MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
woodworkingboy
TreeHouser
Some hearse driver got busted for thinking along those lines. That has to be the ultimate kinky.
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
woodworkingboy
TreeHouser
That joke reminds of the old logging camp story....
No regular cook working there, so the rule is that the first person who complains about the meal, then becomes the next cook. This one guy has been the cook for a couple weeks and is totally tired of it, and wants to get back to his regular work, so he goes out into the woods and finds the biggest gnarly fresh moose turd he can locate, and puts it between two pieces of bread and sets it down at one of the places at the table, then stands back and waits for the complaint. One guy sits down at that spot and takes a big bite out of the turd sandwich, swallows a bit, then spits out the rest violently. He then stands up and angrily shouts out, "Oh my God, this sandwich tastes like crap!!!!.....but it's good".
No regular cook working there, so the rule is that the first person who complains about the meal, then becomes the next cook. This one guy has been the cook for a couple weeks and is totally tired of it, and wants to get back to his regular work, so he goes out into the woods and finds the biggest gnarly fresh moose turd he can locate, and puts it between two pieces of bread and sets it down at one of the places at the table, then stands back and waits for the complaint. One guy sits down at that spot and takes a big bite out of the turd sandwich, swallows a bit, then spits out the rest violently. He then stands up and angrily shouts out, "Oh my God, this sandwich tastes like crap!!!!.....but it's good".
Dave Shepard
Square peg, round world.
Google "Moose turd pie" by Utah Phillips
Dave
Dave
SkwerI
Treehouser
Redneck joke (I apologize for all CAPS)
A REDNECK DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.
WHEN HE GETS TO VIRGINIA, HE LIKES IT SO MUCH HE DECIDES TO STAY, BUT FIRST HE HAS TO FIND A JOB.
SO HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE, AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN "EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR."
IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY, AS THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS, AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITE PINE, WITH 1300 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN HER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED! HE STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD AND POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE, AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME IT'S A TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 1600 CLEAR BOARD FEET," THE REDNECK REPLIES.
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY! HE'S BEEN QUICK AND HAS GOTTEN THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!
BUT ONE MORE TEST...
THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD AND STOP AGAIN. THIS TIME HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 2400 BOARD FEET."
SO THE FOREMAN HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE REDNECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS! AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND SAYS, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN 'X' ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE."
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF A TREE?"
BUT WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE, LOOKING AT THE GROUND AND THEN REACHES UP AND PUTS AN 'X' ON THE TRUNK.
THEN HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN, AND SAYS, "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT."
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND SAYS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?!"
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET (WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT, CLEANING IT OFF IN THE GRAVEL), AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"
HE GOT THE JOB... AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!
A REDNECK DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.
WHEN HE GETS TO VIRGINIA, HE LIKES IT SO MUCH HE DECIDES TO STAY, BUT FIRST HE HAS TO FIND A JOB.
SO HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE, AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN "EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR."
IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY, AS THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS, AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITE PINE, WITH 1300 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN HER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED! HE STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD AND POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE, AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME IT'S A TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 1600 CLEAR BOARD FEET," THE REDNECK REPLIES.
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY! HE'S BEEN QUICK AND HAS GOTTEN THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!
BUT ONE MORE TEST...
THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD AND STOP AGAIN. THIS TIME HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 2400 BOARD FEET."
SO THE FOREMAN HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE REDNECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS! AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND SAYS, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN 'X' ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE."
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF A TREE?"
BUT WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE, LOOKING AT THE GROUND AND THEN REACHES UP AND PUTS AN 'X' ON THE TRUNK.
THEN HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN, AND SAYS, "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT."
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND SAYS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?!"
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET (WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT, CLEANING IT OFF IN THE GRAVEL), AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"
HE GOT THE JOB... AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!
F
Frans
Guest
Why did the blond stare intently at the orange juice?
'cause it said 'concentrate'.
'cause it said 'concentrate'.
N
NeTree
Guest
You just gotta LOVE the mentally challenged:
http://worcester.craigslist.org/for/843170630.html
6 man HOT TUB - $1500 (west brookfield,ma)
Reply to: sale-843170630@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-16, 2:48PM EDT
this 3 man hot tub is so relaxing you can really fit 8 people in it. It comes with cover just needs a few new clips and the hot tub itself has a small leak, nothing a plumber can't fix we have used it for three years and at least once every two months you have to put more water in it. leak is not bad at all. Best deal you will find if interested please e mail me at www.jennifer@midstateautoworcester.com
http://worcester.craigslist.org/for/843170630.html
6 man HOT TUB - $1500 (west brookfield,ma)
Reply to: sale-843170630@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-16, 2:48PM EDT
this 3 man hot tub is so relaxing you can really fit 8 people in it. It comes with cover just needs a few new clips and the hot tub itself has a small leak, nothing a plumber can't fix we have used it for three years and at least once every two months you have to put more water in it. leak is not bad at all. Best deal you will find if interested please e mail me at www.jennifer@midstateautoworcester.com
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'
'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.
'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something'
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, Put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
Looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.
The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the distraught woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill '$200!', she cried, $200 just to tell me my duck is dead!'
The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.
If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $200...
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'
'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.
'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something'
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, Put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
Looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.
The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the distraught woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill '$200!', she cried, $200 just to tell me my duck is dead!'
The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.
If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $200...
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A Kentucky couple, both bonafide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
F
Frans
Guest
New Mexico Chili Cook-off
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are
crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTER BURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chile. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILE # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is Chile an aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her Chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre Chile with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of Chile peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I
am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
Chile, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend Chile.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced Chile.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top
of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot Chile?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are
crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTER BURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chile. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILE # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is Chile an aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her Chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre Chile with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of Chile peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I
am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
Chile, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend Chile.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced Chile.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top
of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot Chile?
Judge # 3 - No Report
SkwerI
Treehouser
Dave Barry's story gets retold quite often but nobody ever credits him for his story.
N
NeTree
Guest
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch
with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy
you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch
with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would
like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another
Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of
curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've
learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole
other issue.'
with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy
you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch
with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would
like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another
Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of
curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've
learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole
other issue.'
N
NeTree
Guest
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) "Pressing 1 for English" is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or stay where you are.
(2) We will immediately begin a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out our country's attitude. NO imports, no exports.
We will use the 'Wally's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are essential, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (a six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put anything in, you ain't getting anything out. No politician will be allowed to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40-hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're done.
(
Crime - Gun Control for the law abiding citizens is abolished. Honest citizens may shoot felons committing crimes. Felons found with a gun will be shot.
(9) Only one export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, the American people may donate to a disaster fund, if they so choose.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be mandatory at every school and every meeting of Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, etc.
(13) If you have never served in the U.S. military, you are ineligible to serve as Commander-in-Chief of our armed forces.
(14) Disrupt a funeral and you will be buried with the deceased you interupted.
Too bad, if I stepped on anyone's toes, but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're going to get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) "Pressing 1 for English" is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or stay where you are.
(2) We will immediately begin a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out our country's attitude. NO imports, no exports.
We will use the 'Wally's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are essential, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (a six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put anything in, you ain't getting anything out. No politician will be allowed to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40-hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're done.
(
Crime - Gun Control for the law abiding citizens is abolished. Honest citizens may shoot felons committing crimes. Felons found with a gun will be shot.(9) Only one export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, the American people may donate to a disaster fund, if they so choose.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be mandatory at every school and every meeting of Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, etc.
(13) If you have never served in the U.S. military, you are ineligible to serve as Commander-in-Chief of our armed forces.
(14) Disrupt a funeral and you will be buried with the deceased you interupted.
Too bad, if I stepped on anyone's toes, but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're going to get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.
N
NeTree
Guest
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket, and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, in front of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him profusely.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''
The biker replies, 'I'm a US Marine, and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
*U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH *
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''
The biker replies, 'I'm a US Marine, and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
*U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH *
N
NeTree
Guest
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face.
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan.
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence - -
HUSBAND:
Shit.
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face.
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan.
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence - -
HUSBAND:
Shit.
N
NeTree
Guest
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat . . .
. . .but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.
So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires had had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.
They listened as the alligator sang:
You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?
Are you ready?
Are you sure?
Here it comes....
"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
. . .but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.
So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires had had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.
They listened as the alligator sang:
You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?
Are you ready?
Are you sure?
Here it comes....
"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
N
NeTree
Guest
A lawyer and a redneck from WV are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...
So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with us rednecks. We only talk dumb....
The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...
So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with us rednecks. We only talk dumb....
N
NeTree
Guest
[size=The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"]
[size=A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"]
[size=Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father." ]
[size= One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."]
[size= A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."]
[size= Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."]
[size=
][size= Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained, "Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!]
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"]
[size=A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"]
[size=Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father." ]
[size= One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."]
[size= A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."]
[size= Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."]
[size=
][size= Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained, "Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!]
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
From a book called Disorder in the American Courts - things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court
reporters.
-----------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________ ________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old
is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WI TNESS: Are you shittin' me?
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy on him.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.
reporters.
-----------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________ ________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old
is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WI TNESS: Are you shittin' me?
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy on him.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
