B
Blinky
Guest
The chicken crossed the road to prove to the possum that IT COULD BE DONE.
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
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F
Frans
Guest
To the girl at Second Cup coffee house
To that girl who works at the Second Cup:
This has been eating me, it just really hurt my feelings and I need to get it off my chest okay? You were like, totally mean to me. I was talking to my bf alright? I like him better than you, I'd rather talk to him than you, so next time could you just wait for me to hang up? Really, the line behind me isn't that long. You didn't have to look so bitchy, I was almost done, I mean, I was holding up my finger, that usually means wait! But you just went on to that next guy, so, like, I hung up for nothing? Anyway when you finally got around to me it was like you didn't even want to take my order. I was nice, okay? I know what I want is complicated, so I said it real slow so understand. It's a grande vanilla latte with two and a half pumps of the SUGAR-FREE syrup. And skim milk. But I want it extra hot, okay? To like 182.5 degrees. And no foam, I don't like foam, it's too much like when I used to eat my bubble bath as a kid. And, you know, the least you could do is double cup it, you know? A latte that hot could hurt me, I have sensitive hands.
Maybe you should, like, memorize this so that next time when I come in you recognize me and you know what I want right away. Yeah, whatever, you serve hundreds of people every day blah blah blah. I'm the orange spray tanned one with a purse I could fit a Doberman in. Oh and I'm usually wearing Uggs, they're just so comfy and stylish, you know? You should totally try to learn your customers' orders, it makes us happy.
So anyway, when you finally got my order right I asked you for an apple baba, not so hard. My phone rang while you went to get a plate, it was really important so I took it. Anyway my bf was RIGHT in the middle of telling me how cute I am when you TOTALLY interrupted to take my money. Like, was I not obviously in the middle of something? You'd think you could take a hint, like, if you tell me my total and I don't answer you'd just wait like any polite person, but no, you like basically yelled it at me, it was so embarrassing. I wasn't about to hang up again, okay? You're not the only one that exists! So fine, I'll give you your stupid money, you're lucky I have exact change, even if I have to dig for it a bit in my enormous purse. I'm doing you a favor get over it.
But, like, it's hard to count change and talk on the phone at the same time, you know? Really, if I wasn't on the phone I could count like a normal person, but give me a sec, I'm multitasking, the people behind me get it, we've all had to before.
Tip? No, sorry, Daddy doesn't like me spending my allowance on things I don't need.
Anyway, you and your friend who makes the drinks were really bitchy. I was just asking her to make sure it was sugar-free, alright? Geez, you'd think I insulted your moms or something.
Have a nice day yourself. When I come back tomorrow to spend four hours on Facebook I'm totally not going to be as nice as I was today.
To that girl who works at the Second Cup:
This has been eating me, it just really hurt my feelings and I need to get it off my chest okay? You were like, totally mean to me. I was talking to my bf alright? I like him better than you, I'd rather talk to him than you, so next time could you just wait for me to hang up? Really, the line behind me isn't that long. You didn't have to look so bitchy, I was almost done, I mean, I was holding up my finger, that usually means wait! But you just went on to that next guy, so, like, I hung up for nothing? Anyway when you finally got around to me it was like you didn't even want to take my order. I was nice, okay? I know what I want is complicated, so I said it real slow so understand. It's a grande vanilla latte with two and a half pumps of the SUGAR-FREE syrup. And skim milk. But I want it extra hot, okay? To like 182.5 degrees. And no foam, I don't like foam, it's too much like when I used to eat my bubble bath as a kid. And, you know, the least you could do is double cup it, you know? A latte that hot could hurt me, I have sensitive hands.
Maybe you should, like, memorize this so that next time when I come in you recognize me and you know what I want right away. Yeah, whatever, you serve hundreds of people every day blah blah blah. I'm the orange spray tanned one with a purse I could fit a Doberman in. Oh and I'm usually wearing Uggs, they're just so comfy and stylish, you know? You should totally try to learn your customers' orders, it makes us happy.
So anyway, when you finally got my order right I asked you for an apple baba, not so hard. My phone rang while you went to get a plate, it was really important so I took it. Anyway my bf was RIGHT in the middle of telling me how cute I am when you TOTALLY interrupted to take my money. Like, was I not obviously in the middle of something? You'd think you could take a hint, like, if you tell me my total and I don't answer you'd just wait like any polite person, but no, you like basically yelled it at me, it was so embarrassing. I wasn't about to hang up again, okay? You're not the only one that exists! So fine, I'll give you your stupid money, you're lucky I have exact change, even if I have to dig for it a bit in my enormous purse. I'm doing you a favor get over it.
But, like, it's hard to count change and talk on the phone at the same time, you know? Really, if I wasn't on the phone I could count like a normal person, but give me a sec, I'm multitasking, the people behind me get it, we've all had to before.
Tip? No, sorry, Daddy doesn't like me spending my allowance on things I don't need.
Anyway, you and your friend who makes the drinks were really bitchy. I was just asking her to make sure it was sugar-free, alright? Geez, you'd think I insulted your moms or something.
Have a nice day yourself. When I come back tomorrow to spend four hours on Facebook I'm totally not going to be as nice as I was today.
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
THE WEDDING NIGHT
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school .'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue'.
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school .'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue'.
brendonv
Tree Hugger
hahahaha
N
NeTree
Guest
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone
rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test
set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away,
but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to
ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone
rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test
set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away,
but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to
ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
N
NeTree
Guest
N
NeTree
Guest
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story )Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions……..
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo...'Defrost the chicken'.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions……..
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo...'Defrost the chicken'.
N
NeTree
Guest
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we
Started cussing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues 'when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
Say something with hell and you say something with ass.'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
Wants for breakfast, he replies,
'Aw, hell, Mom , I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
Up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
Pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
Room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
Stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know', he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!'
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we
Started cussing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues 'when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
Say something with hell and you say something with ass.'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
Wants for breakfast, he replies,
'Aw, hell, Mom , I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
Up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
Pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
Room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
Stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know', he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!'
N
NeTree
Guest
(Man, o man can I relate to this one...)
Old age ADD:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Diet Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Old age ADD:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Diet Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
SkwerI
Treehouser
Huh? What were we talking about?
F
Frans
Guest
Handle every situation like a dog, If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
B
Blinky
Guest
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
N
NeTree
Guest
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moments later Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT'S NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moments later Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT'S NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Golf
A man goes to a golf course. He approaches the counter in the pro shop and says "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer accepted.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot spoke up "No sir. I believe this green will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot's advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked "How was your game?" The golfer stated "It was by far, the best game I ever played. Thank you for letting me have one of your robots."
See you next week. A week passed and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering he turned to the man behind the counter and said "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies please."
The gentleman behind the counter said "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried "Complaints? Who could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said "Well it wasn't their performance
They were made of shiny silver metal and the sun reflecting off them was blinding other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said "So why didn't you paint them black?"
The man replied "We did. Four didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one robbed the pro shop and the other is running for President."
A man goes to a golf course. He approaches the counter in the pro shop and says "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer accepted.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot spoke up "No sir. I believe this green will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot's advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked "How was your game?" The golfer stated "It was by far, the best game I ever played. Thank you for letting me have one of your robots."
See you next week. A week passed and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering he turned to the man behind the counter and said "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies please."
The gentleman behind the counter said "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried "Complaints? Who could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said "Well it wasn't their performance
They were made of shiny silver metal and the sun reflecting off them was blinding other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said "So why didn't you paint them black?"
The man replied "We did. Four didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one robbed the pro shop and the other is running for President."
N
NeTree
Guest
N
NeTree
Guest
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, about $20,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession," said the pastor. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
N
NeTree
Guest
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with
a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and
you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday
afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that
account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
evening with
a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and
you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday
afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that
account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
N
NeTree
Guest
I can see the teacher's eyes as she reads these entries!!!!
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6) 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
sotc
Dormant hero!!
hahahahahahahahahaha
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