The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
one third of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
 
A GOOD GRANDMA & GRANDPA STORY...enjoy!!
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he
asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive".<BR> "How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before weleave
in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."<BR> "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
*********** END FORWARDED MESSAGE ***********
 
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders, bends down and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
 
1st Class Blond

Sorry about the all caps; but this is just a copy and paste:

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO ATLANTA WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO ATLANTA AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO ATLANTA
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO ATLANTA ."
 
Life in Southern California

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that, because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart ass when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned: "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish: "Are we over the border yet?"
 
Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...

"Just for a moment, think outside yourself... Outside this arena... Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A loud Irish voice from near the front pierces the moment...

"Well, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin', then!"
 
How To Clean Your Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog
 
naaah, my wife isn't much of a wrestler... but you oughtta see her box!

I remember when I was a kid... I told my parents I wanteda watch for Christmas, so they let me.
 
Man, I sure kilt this thread...

The second joke has to be spoken for best effect. Really, it's funny.
 
bored husbands

Signs of shopping with a bored husband...

Did you ever wonder what a husband does while he's in a store, waiting on
his wife to shop?

Check out the following letter:

Dear Mrs. Whitehead,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us
again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses
over the past few months...all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a line of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code
3 in housewares!"...and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and
told the other customers he'd invite them in if they bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they could help him, he begins to cry
and asks, "Why can't people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and
picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in hunting department, asked a clerk if
he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled "Pick me! Pick me!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and yells, "NO NO, it's those voices again!"

...and; last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while;
then yelled very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
 
LOL Been told i'm a bit of a 2 yr old when taken shopping with the wife. Just wait till next time...:evil:
 
If I Had A Hammer...


Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house.

Becky who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective!

They're for the other side of the house!."
 
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat & said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff. "

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak...do your
stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, made "love" with the other three cats, and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

:D
 
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble...


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,

"They're coming for Thanksgiving...and paying their own way."
 
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet Pyfon gives a phuk."
 
An elderly couple were on their way to Orlando Florida .She was extremely hard of hearing.

In Valdesta Georga they required a fill up of gas.The attendant asked if he should check under the hood.She asked"what did he say".The old gent replied that the guy was going to check the oil.

After the fill up the attendant asked"cash or credit card" the old lady of course asked what was said,and was replied to.

In checking the license plate he noticed an Ohio tag and asked to old gent what part of Ohio.He replied,Dayton.

Ah,said the attendent,years ago I had a little fling with the best lover I ever encountered in my life,she was from Dayton.Before the old woman could ask again the old gent pipes up and says"he knows your sister"
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

The first student began his story. "My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a Pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over Enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!" :\:


:D
 
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