The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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N
NeTree
Guest
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero
friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in
Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.
"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to
take advantage of her."
"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green
Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.
"Hey GL, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's
the best babe in Comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best
lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had
gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder
Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up
in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a
speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm
here."
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman
stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??"
she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is
killing me.
friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in
Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.
"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to
take advantage of her."
"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green
Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.
"Hey GL, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's
the best babe in Comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best
lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had
gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder
Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up
in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a
speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm
here."
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman
stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??"
she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is
killing me.
cybergeek23851
I like cats...
OOOF! 
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in
bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in
bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan
N
NeTree
Guest
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
Bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes my nuts."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
Bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes my nuts."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
R
RReedy
Guest
LOL
R
RReedy
Guest
New use for Vaseline
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my
asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say
they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in
fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you
use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it
on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my
asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say
they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in
fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you
use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it
on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
pete mctree
Treehouser
The ozzie approach
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The
manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah,
I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the
job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many
sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and
continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much
was the sale for?" £ 124,237.64. pounds" The manager choked and exclaimed
124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a
small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and
I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4
Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?" "No no no......he
came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I
said.........'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go
fishing."
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The
manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah,
I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the
job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many
sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and
continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much
was the sale for?" £ 124,237.64. pounds" The manager choked and exclaimed
124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a
small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and
I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4
Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?" "No no no......he
came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I
said.........'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go
fishing."
pete mctree
Treehouser
It was entertainment night at the old folks home and the Amazing Edwin was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Edwin went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Edwin withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, while quietly chanting; "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH1T," said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old folks home.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Edwin went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Edwin withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, while quietly chanting; "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH1T," said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old folks home.
N
NeTree
Guest
In the interest of offending everyone equally...
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You've told her twice already.
(oh boy..... here we go....)
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You've told her twice already.
(oh boy..... here we go....)
N
NeTree
Guest
What's the definition of a "wife"?
A "wife" is an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
A "wife" is an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
S
S_T_S
Guest
Apologies if this offends.
21 people have been found stuck to the walls and roof of a train station in Belfast. The police believe this to be the first IRA 'no more nails' bomb
21 people have been found stuck to the walls and roof of a train station in Belfast. The police believe this to be the first IRA 'no more nails' bomb
SkwerI
Treehouser
The mid wife comes in and asks, "where's your husband?"
The woman shakes her head, "I'm not married." She huffs and pushes.
"Well, what about your boyfriend?"
"I don't have one. If you must know, I was down on my luck."
The midwife prepares for the delivery. The child is delivered to the shock and awe of everyone in the room.
"Well," the midwife says, "Your baby is black."
"I told you I was down on my luck ...I did a porno with a black guy."
"But your baby has blue eyes."
"I was really down on my luck, there was also a Swede involved."
"But the baby's eyes are Asian."
"And there was a Chinese guy too." Then a shock of horror comes over the woman's face. "Can you give me my child."
The mid wife does. The woman swings back and hits the baby's arse. The baby screams.
"Why'd ya do that???"
"Make sure she doesn't bark."
The woman shakes her head, "I'm not married." She huffs and pushes.
"Well, what about your boyfriend?"
"I don't have one. If you must know, I was down on my luck."
The midwife prepares for the delivery. The child is delivered to the shock and awe of everyone in the room.
"Well," the midwife says, "Your baby is black."
"I told you I was down on my luck ...I did a porno with a black guy."
"But your baby has blue eyes."
"I was really down on my luck, there was also a Swede involved."
"But the baby's eyes are Asian."
"And there was a Chinese guy too." Then a shock of horror comes over the woman's face. "Can you give me my child."
The mid wife does. The woman swings back and hits the baby's arse. The baby screams.
"Why'd ya do that???"
"Make sure she doesn't bark."
N
NeTree
Guest
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
N
NeTree
Guest
A Riddle For The Day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
The answer is: "A Last Name."
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
The answer is: "A Last Name."
N
NeTree
Guest
The Preacher's Son
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table 3 objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table 3 objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
N
NeTree
Guest
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
N
NeTree
Guest
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
N
NeTree
Guest
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then,! His father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then,! His father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
N
NeTree
Guest
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had
Quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home
And didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
Favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
Two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
Away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
You and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
Far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown
Out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
You cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to
Mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
Anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite
Meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
Stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you
Had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed
That it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty
Dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of
This, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
Discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
Job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
Were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
Filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that
You wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had
Quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home
And didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
Favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
Two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
Away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
You and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
Far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown
Out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
You cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to
Mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
Anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite
Meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
Stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you
Had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed
That it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty
Dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of
This, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
Discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
Job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
Were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
Filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that
You wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
N
NeTree
Guest
Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,
What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads........
Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,
What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads........
N
NeTree
Guest
What He Says - What He Means
"I'm going fishing."
Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"I'm going fishing."
Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
T
TreeDr
Guest
My, my!
>
>A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just
>to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful
>car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.
>
>As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery,
>an unexpected little fart escaped her.
>Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if
>anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't
>pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next
>to her, is a salesman.
>
>With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day,
>Madame. How may we help you today?"
>Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and
>acting as though nothing had happened,she smiles back and asked,
>"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
>Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very
>sorry to say that if you farted just by
>touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
>
>A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just
>to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful
>car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.
>
>As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery,
>an unexpected little fart escaped her.
>Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if
>anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't
>pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next
>to her, is a salesman.
>
>With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day,
>Madame. How may we help you today?"
>Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and
>acting as though nothing had happened,she smiles back and asked,
>"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
>Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very
>sorry to say that if you farted just by
>touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
A
anna
Guest
LOL i shouldn't find things like that funny, I've been around men for too long
he he he. anyone got anymore?
he he he. anyone got anymore?
