I Gotta Take A Dump!!!

as long as we are talking about it. I suffered from hemeroids for many years. Somebody told me to squat instead of sit. Hemeroids dissappeared literally over night. I haven't gone back to sitting. It's great for the nasty public restrooms as I don't have to touch anything gross. Being good at squatting is also way faster and I can drop a load in the chip truck almost as fast as I can pee.

Squatting is definitely key. I don't do it all the time but sometimes if you know you gotta go but it aint coming out, just squat or do a dip on the seat, voila.

I stealth poop all the time - back yards, front yards, bushland, parks, medium strips , nature strips in behind shopping centre carparks I mean like anywhere I see a opportunity - doggie clean up bags are great for not offending the customer and no shovel needed. come on folks if you can pick up after your dog why can't you pick up after your self?

I totally agree re the bags. Though the smell is riiiipe, instant outhouse reek.

Along the lines of stealth pooping, y'all know what a ninja poop is? When you poop in the bowl, look down and there's nothing in there, wipe you ass and there's nothing there either.

I have shat in many peoples houses.

I have so many customer crap stories that you would probably be astounded by.

Do tell! If not now, when??
 
Do tell! If not now, when??

They are more of round the camp fire stories...

On one occasion though, it was roasting hot, we turned up to prune a load of fruit trees at a posh guys house. He was rude and was only interested in watching the cricket on the TV. Didn't offer a drink or even discuss the job specs so we just got on to it.

It got so bad mid afternoon, I thought I was gonna crap me pants up this plum tree. I said I gotta go and the guys all laughed and said good luck! So I knocked on the door and asked, not only was he pissed at having to leave the tv he also had to show me to the downstairs toilet. I gather it must have been for an elderly who had passed as the toilet was coated completely pink, carpets, rugs the lot and it was accessible from the living room.

I did my business and it was a bit messy so I cleaned up and opened the window and was preparing to apologise to the guy for disturbing him and his glass of pims whilst watching the cricket.

So I flushed the chain and the pan started to backfill. It wouldn't stop rising as I stared in disbelief as the turd, paper and water got to near the top and there was no sign of it stopping. I looked around for a bin or something to start scooping out the toilet but couldn't find one. So I just closed the lid and started praying (probably out loud) or rather cussing a lot about my impending turd and the damage to this lovely pink bathroom! Fat lot of use the lid would have done anyway as there is usually about 3/4 " between the seat and pan.

I lifted the seat, sweating and getting ready to fish it out with my hands or something other than have it overflow on the customers pink carpet. The water rose to about a cm of the lip of the rim and then completely back flushed itself and cleared the pan. To my relief. I was sweating like mad and then had to walk out after all this had happened straight in to the living room where this posh dude was watching the cricket...

He must have known exactly what would happen. As I sheepishly walked out of the toilet he had a grin on his face that said "you won't be asking to shit in my house again will ya boy!"
 
Thought this would be fitting for this thread

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Great story:lol:

Yup , that is the exact movie clip it brought to mind.

The custy was truly a buttonhole.
 
Many old residences here still have permanent outdoor toilets, often separate urinals. Usually in addition to indoor ones now. So, you don't even need to ask.
 
well coming in at 187cm and 65 kilos I am told that I am a little bit lanky but there is advantages both on and off the ground.
I will endeavour at about every turn to take advantage of any camouflage whether natural or manmade to 'take care of business".
having learnt the hard way the perils involved using the chip truck and how that has repercussions led to bold and ingenious schemes on how to accommodate my pre-existing medical situation and the desire to avoid using the customers toilet or going into their houses.
I use the magicians trick of hiding in plain sight quite regularly, amazing what people won't or don't see when they are 'elsewhere' and not really paying attention.
being able to enter small places like gaps between sheds and fences or under bushes is quite useful in my case.
But this one time I was caught out quite literally like a dog in the desert looking for a bush, any bush will do.
having just reduced a sweet gum and sailed down I heard a horrible rumbling in my belly followed by some violent contractions and knew there and then that I was in a pickle,
I went dashing for a vacant block two doors down and pelted towards the back fence where there was some african box thorn on the fence line it being the only form of cover in this otherwise empty paddock - nothing but low grass between me and the main road.
unfortunately didn't finish the race and messed myself pretty badly, turns out my over indulgence in chocolate covered almonds the night before had come back to haunt me so I filled my daks with ' Hot nut slurry' for lack of a better term.
my undies now being totally unretreviable I decided to try and very carefully remove my boots socks and cutter pants and without any further contamination so proceeded to clean myself with a local weed called soursob which is a bit like a green baby wipe - soft and moist but not really absorbent but no prickles.
having removed my boots, socks and pants without further incident I was in the process of dumping the rest down when a learner driver and instructor choose that moment to set up on the kerb directly in front of me for some parking practise.
I looked over at them and then went well if this is what you want then here it is, dropped my strides exposing all and sundry then went about cleaning the affect area before restoring my dignity to a more fitting style for public places.
they continued to conduct the lesson I went back to the boss and explained why I had rushed off we both had a good laugh and finished the job off.
which brings me to another question - alternate materials for wiping ones arse - what have you improvised with out in the field?
 
I bet TreeBuzz doesn't have a thread like this. This is pretty colorful and really bringing some walls of privacy down amongst us. Potty talk is bringing is closer, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
 
Natural materials are excellent imo. No socks, meaning you used them for tp?
 
In reply to Stihlmadd, never used natural materials, but manys the time I've spent most of the day without socks.

I used to do a lot of work for gypsies. One of the reasons they wear two pairs of socks is so that if and when they get caught short. Shit, wipe the butt and then carry on without blisters or sweaty feet.

I was once working for the same gypsy company and we were working in a village. Home owner want in but I got the urge, really badly. One f the lads knew the area and said nip do to the pub about 200m down the road. So I trotted off to find the pub and then realised it was closed for renovation, but one the doors was open. I popped my head into the bar area and asked one of the workmen if i could use the khazi as I was working up the road. No problem they say so I leggit to said toilet and let loose only to realise there is no loo paper in this place.

Luckily I had a knife on me so I hacked one of the sleeves off on my workshirt. Cleaned up, then thought I cannot drop this dirty rag down the loo as it will block it up. Likewise I couldn't walk past the workmen with the dirty sleeve and I knew for sure that thing wasn't going in my pocket.

My ingenious plan was to open the window and hang the shitty sleeve off the hook and get it once I was out side and no one would be none the wiser.

That's what I did, walked out said thank you and good bye to the workmen and wandered around the corner to realise the ground dipped away just outside the window and now the shitty sleeve was flapping in the breeze about 9 foot off the floor!

I just ran off!
 
Burdock leaves are acceptable. Dry fine long grass as well. Local douche handed his "friend" some poison ivy to wipe with. The guy questioned him is this poison ivy? The answer was, would I be holding on to it if it was? Nice guy.
 
I Love The Title Of This Thread!

Every time I see it, I LOL.

Dare I say... shit my pants?

Maybe not...
 
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