The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
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CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
I love that one 
SkwerI
Treehouser
A guy meets a cute girl at the bar. he says "I'm going to call you little toe."
She says "Why, because I'm small and cute?"
He says "No because I'm going to bang you on the coffee table later."
She says "Why, because I'm small and cute?"
He says "No because I'm going to bang you on the coffee table later."
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"How much for a drink?"
The bartender replies,
"For you? No charge."
"How much for a drink?"
The bartender replies,
"For you? No charge."
woodworkingboy
TreeHouser
Yo mama is so fat, when she farted she went into orbit!
sotc
Dormant hero!!
2 Men robbed a pharmacy last night and got away a case of viagra. Police say they are looking for hardened criminals
SkwerI
Treehouser
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'!
Mrs. Smith fainted.
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'!
Mrs. Smith fainted.
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
A Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's ass.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that"
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's ass.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that"
Tucker943
Bamboo Plantation Owner
hahahaha
SouthSoundTree
Treehouser
So this one need some Scottish accent imagined, and the Mick Jagger impersonated, better told than read, but I just went past McLeod St....
What the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
The Rolling Stones sing, "Hey, Hey, You, you get-offa my cloud!"
A Scotsman yells, "Hey, Hey, McLeod, Mcleod, get-offa my ewe!"
What the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
The Rolling Stones sing, "Hey, Hey, You, you get-offa my cloud!"
A Scotsman yells, "Hey, Hey, McLeod, Mcleod, get-offa my ewe!"
rfwoodvt
TreeHouser
Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Texan, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Texan thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Obama again.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Texan thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Obama again.
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
A female police officer pulled over a drunk man, she said anything you say will be held against you. the drunk yells "TITTIES!"
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
sotc
Dormant hero!!
IF....
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have
$33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned-in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily
& recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to
the gallon!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have
$33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned-in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily
& recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to
the gallon!
B
Bounce
Guest
I just saw this for the first time today on the rotator and thought it was hilarious!
N
NeTree
Guest
My daughter just brought this to my attention. She found this warning on the back of her box of Midol Complete caplets:
Do not use if you have ... difficulty in urination due to an enlarged prostate.
I told her it shouldn't be a problem.
Do not use if you have ... difficulty in urination due to an enlarged prostate.
I told her it shouldn't be a problem.
Thor's Hammer
Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #1,769
Too small mate! got link?
Last edited by a moderator:
N
NeTree
Guest
sotc
Dormant hero!!
Dead Cow First-year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
but ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Thor's Hammer
Wolfish. Sometimes Bites.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #1,773
But LOL!
flushcut
TreeHouser
HAhahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!! That was funny!
Jed
TreeHouser
This kid gets a job stocking produce at the grocery store and in walks an old-timer.
"Hey kid. How can I buy half a head of lettuce?"
"Uhh... Well sir... The lettuce is over there, but I can't sell ya half... Ya gotta buy the whole head."
"Ya know: in MY day the customer was ALWAYS right. I wanna talk to your manager!"
The kid says, "O.k. just a minute sir," and walks into the back room.
"Hey Jer," the kid says. "This crotchety old fart out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce and..."
(To the kid's utter chagrin, he suddenly realizes that the old man is standing directly behind him.) ..."and this kind gentleman has just graciously offered to pay for the other half."
The whole matter is, though a little awkwardly, tided over. The old man leaves satisfied, and the manager begins to commend the kid.
"I gotta hand it to ya: you really kept your head and got yourself out of hot water. You remind me of one of those sharp fellers from up in Canada."
"Canada?!!" the kid says, "The only folks out of Canada are whores or hockey players!"
The manager makes two huge quick strides across the room, pokes the kid in the chest and exclaims, "Guess what kid: you're right back into hot water! My wife is from Canada!
"
The kid doesn't miss a beat and says, "No way! What team did she play for?"
"Hey kid. How can I buy half a head of lettuce?"
"Uhh... Well sir... The lettuce is over there, but I can't sell ya half... Ya gotta buy the whole head."
"Ya know: in MY day the customer was ALWAYS right. I wanna talk to your manager!"
The kid says, "O.k. just a minute sir," and walks into the back room.
"Hey Jer," the kid says. "This crotchety old fart out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce and..."
(To the kid's utter chagrin, he suddenly realizes that the old man is standing directly behind him.) ..."and this kind gentleman has just graciously offered to pay for the other half."
The whole matter is, though a little awkwardly, tided over. The old man leaves satisfied, and the manager begins to commend the kid.
"I gotta hand it to ya: you really kept your head and got yourself out of hot water. You remind me of one of those sharp fellers from up in Canada."
"Canada?!!" the kid says, "The only folks out of Canada are whores or hockey players!"
The manager makes two huge quick strides across the room, pokes the kid in the chest and exclaims, "Guess what kid: you're right back into hot water! My wife is from Canada!
"The kid doesn't miss a beat and says, "No way! What team did she play for?"
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