lumberjack
Young man on the go
Certainly a rib. 
The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
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sotc
Dormant hero!!
Tree Reb
TreeHouser
If this works I'm a bad person.
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
I get it not. Earthquake? Was Haiti hit by an earthquake? Or wuz that supposed to be a hurricane?
sotc
Dormant hero!!
Quake
SkwerI
Treehouser
Canuck humor.
canadiantreeman
TreeHouser
Well, we are polite!
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Hahahaaa.
sotc
Dormant hero!!
lumberjack
Young man on the go
Your maid is gonna quit!
sotc
Dormant hero!!
I just sent her out to make some money
(This is the jokethread after all)
(This is the jokethread after all)
lumberjack
Young man on the go
Now you're joking about her income making ability? Thin ice, bud.
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Avw0n9b2o9U?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Avw0n9b2o9U?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>
canadiantreeman
TreeHouser
rskybiz
TreeHouser
per chance a link to this?
sawinredneck
Treehouser
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.
SkwerI
Treehouser
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and then asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But, just before they enter the house, she stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down. But no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her. Now his girlfriend is furious, and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden, there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly, the father shouts...."enough already... I'll do the f@*&ing dishes!!!"
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and then asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But, just before they enter the house, she stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down. But no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her. Now his girlfriend is furious, and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden, there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly, the father shouts...."enough already... I'll do the f@*&ing dishes!!!"
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
N
NeTree
Guest
George Bush and Barrack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you sir?'\"
Bush replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you sir?'\"
Bush replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Halloween Joke from Mom...
Halloween Story
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Halloween Story
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Tree Reb
TreeHouser
A bear and a squirrel are walking through their forest community and they stumble upon a magic lamp under a tree.
Now this magic lamp has been covered in leaves for years and it was glad to be saved, so since the lamp was in such a good mood, it would grant EACH of them three wishes. So it asked who wanted to go first.
Now Bear, being the eager, young creature that he was, went first.
"What do you want for your first wish"? The lamp asked.
Bear replied, I wish, that the hot female bear that lives next to me, was crazy in love with me.
BOOM. it was done.
Squirrel's wish was for a helmet.
"A helmet"! Said Bear?!?! "You can get anything and you want a helmet?"
Bear's next wish was for all the female bears in the forest be really hot and all like him.
BOOM it was done
Squirrel's second wish was a motorcycle. Again bear was dumbfounded but carried on to his third wish.
"Actually, I want every bear in the forest to be female, hot, and really like me" said Bear.
The lamp granted the wish and...
BOOM. it was done
It was Squirrel's final wish,
"What would you like me to grant you for your final wish" the lamp asked.
After much consideration, Squirrel finally answered.
"I wish Bear was gay"
And with that, he rode off.
Now this magic lamp has been covered in leaves for years and it was glad to be saved, so since the lamp was in such a good mood, it would grant EACH of them three wishes. So it asked who wanted to go first.
Now Bear, being the eager, young creature that he was, went first.
"What do you want for your first wish"? The lamp asked.
Bear replied, I wish, that the hot female bear that lives next to me, was crazy in love with me.
BOOM. it was done.
Squirrel's wish was for a helmet.
"A helmet"! Said Bear?!?! "You can get anything and you want a helmet?"
Bear's next wish was for all the female bears in the forest be really hot and all like him.
BOOM it was done
Squirrel's second wish was a motorcycle. Again bear was dumbfounded but carried on to his third wish.
"Actually, I want every bear in the forest to be female, hot, and really like me" said Bear.
The lamp granted the wish and...
BOOM. it was done
It was Squirrel's final wish,
"What would you like me to grant you for your final wish" the lamp asked.
After much consideration, Squirrel finally answered.
"I wish Bear was gay"
And with that, he rode off.
rskybiz
TreeHouser
Horse 1.0
If you have horses you'll surely get it
If horses were software..... A letter to tech support
Dear Tech Support,
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this
program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time
my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many
times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a
window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also
contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5,
however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as
Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever
selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to
programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such
as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a
reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for
the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous
times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning
messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect
my system. Please Help!!!!!
THE REPLY:
Dear User,
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is
that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not -
it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run
everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have
already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run
better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1,
you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be
added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment
to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on
startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several
days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find
that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic
4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to
rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1",
which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is
important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular
basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more
questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
If you have horses you'll surely get it
If horses were software..... A letter to tech support
Dear Tech Support,
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this
program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time
my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many
times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a
window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also
contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5,
however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as
Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever
selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to
programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such
as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a
reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for
the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous
times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning
messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect
my system. Please Help!!!!!
THE REPLY:
Dear User,
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is
that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not -
it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run
everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have
already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run
better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1,
you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be
added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment
to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on
startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several
days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find
that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic
4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to
rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1",
which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is
important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular
basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more
questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
CurSedVoyce
California Hillbilly
Squishy gonna like that one
N
Newfie
Guest
Buying the horse is the cheap part. My SIL has 3. Her Dad refers to them as the "god-damned hay burners."
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