The Joke/Funny Pic/Video Thread
- Thread starter Thor's Hammer
- Start date
- Replies 12K
- Views 510K
Paul B
I dig hammocks.
yikes!!
N
NeTree
Guest
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.:realshocked:
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?':shock:
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.:blushing:
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?':shock:
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.':bowing:
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.':doh:
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.:realshocked:
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?':shock:
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.:blushing:
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?':shock:
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.':bowing:
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.':doh:
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
N
NeTree
Guest
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he'd pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey', she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later', he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without....Send extra sauce!!!!!'
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey', she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later', he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without....Send extra sauce!!!!!'
Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in�Northern Arizona�when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him, and I said, 'Come on man how about giving a
senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a 'dumb ass'.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a 'shit head'.
He finished the second ticket,then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him, and I said, 'Come on man how about giving a
senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a 'dumb ass'.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a 'shit head'.
He finished the second ticket,then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.
vharrison
Island Girl
Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese
That's not right! -- Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Fuk
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! -- Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! -- Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! -- Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! -- No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight -- Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive -- Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great -- Fa Kin Su Pa
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese
That's not right! -- Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Fuk
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! -- Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! -- Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! -- Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! -- No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight -- Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive -- Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great -- Fa Kin Su Pa
vharrison
Island Girl
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Need a laugh? Read some of this stuff here, The Flat Earth Society 
F
Frans
Guest
Sounds reasonable to me.
I thought of one question which was not asked: Why would the gov. bother to hide the fact that the earth is indeed flat?
Where is the payoff for them?
I thought of one question which was not asked: Why would the gov. bother to hide the fact that the earth is indeed flat?
Where is the payoff for them?
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Uh-oh! You're in trouble now!!! 
F
Frans
Guest
Riddle, not joke:
a plane crashes right exactly on the boarder between CA. & Nevada. One half of the plane is resting in one state, the other half in the other state.
Where do you bury the survivors?
a plane crashes right exactly on the boarder between CA. & Nevada. One half of the plane is resting in one state, the other half in the other state.
Where do you bury the survivors?
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
Who buries survivors?
F
Frans
Guest
Grade school joke.
Sorry couldn't resist. Thats what happens when you hang out with little kids..
I'll go back to my room now.
Sorry couldn't resist. Thats what happens when you hang out with little kids..
I'll go back to my room now.
TheTreeWiseMen
Redneck Limey
LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)
& Law of the Bath/Toilet
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings; when the butt is on the toilet, the doorbell will ring.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
&Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
&Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)
& Law of the Bath/Toilet
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings; when the butt is on the toilet, the doorbell will ring.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
&Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
&Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
SkwerI
Treehouser
getting even
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O,' my husband calls him 'El-Take-O.' They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!' And he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even...
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O,' my husband calls him 'El-Take-O.' They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!' And he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even...
D
Drella
Guest
A woman asked her deaf daughter to go and pick up 2 lbs. of fresh Mackerel. So she went off to the nearest grocery center, went to the man behind the meat counter and said; "I won due powns uf fwesh mackwull."
The man scratched his head for a second, understanding that the girl was either deaf, or had a speech impedimant. So he kindly asked her to repeat herself. She again replied; "I won due powns uf fwesh mackwull!" getting slightly perturbed.
Now the man was getting embarrased even more so, not understanding the slightest of the girls request. He said; "I hate to ask again, but could you please repeat that? I'm having trouble understanding."
She now looked him dead in the eye and repeated yet again; I WON DUE POWNS UF FWESH MACKWULL!!!"
At this point the man was at a loss of words. So without trying to add insult to injury he just gave up and stared a sorry glance at the girl.
The girl, now completely annoyed, thought for a second, reached her hand into the front of her pants, started vigoriously rubbing her area, then pulled her hand out -and placed her two fingers under the gentlmans nose.
He recoiled in disgust with a grimace and cried; "HOLY MACKEREL!"
She then shouted out; "Due Powns! Due Powns!"
The man scratched his head for a second, understanding that the girl was either deaf, or had a speech impedimant. So he kindly asked her to repeat herself. She again replied; "I won due powns uf fwesh mackwull!" getting slightly perturbed.
Now the man was getting embarrased even more so, not understanding the slightest of the girls request. He said; "I hate to ask again, but could you please repeat that? I'm having trouble understanding."
She now looked him dead in the eye and repeated yet again; I WON DUE POWNS UF FWESH MACKWULL!!!"
At this point the man was at a loss of words. So without trying to add insult to injury he just gave up and stared a sorry glance at the girl.
The girl, now completely annoyed, thought for a second, reached her hand into the front of her pants, started vigoriously rubbing her area, then pulled her hand out -and placed her two fingers under the gentlmans nose.
He recoiled in disgust with a grimace and cried; "HOLY MACKEREL!"
She then shouted out; "Due Powns! Due Powns!"
R
Rotax Robert
Guest
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
MasterBlaster
Administrator Emeritus
D
Drella
Guest
Haaa-ha! Nice one..
Reminds me of Gary Larson!
Reminds me of Gary Larson!
N
NeTree
Guest
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear!
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: http://www.whorepresents.com < http://www.whorepresents.com >
2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
http://www.expertsexchange.com < http://www.expertsexchange.com >
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than
' Pen Island'. It can be found at:
http://www.penisland.net < http://www.penisland.net >
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: http://www.therapistfinder.com < http://www.therapistfinder.com >
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
http://www.powergenitalia.com < http://www.powergenitaliacom >
6.'IP computer' software, there's always: http://www.ip_anywhere.com < http://www.ip_anywhere.com >
7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
http://www.speedofart.com < http://www.speedofart.com >
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: http://www.whorepresents.com < http://www.whorepresents.com >
2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
http://www.expertsexchange.com < http://www.expertsexchange.com >
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than
' Pen Island'. It can be found at:
http://www.penisland.net < http://www.penisland.net >
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: http://www.therapistfinder.com < http://www.therapistfinder.com >
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
http://www.powergenitalia.com < http://www.powergenitaliacom >
6.'IP computer' software, there's always: http://www.ip_anywhere.com < http://www.ip_anywhere.com >
7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
http://www.speedofart.com < http://www.speedofart.com >
Similar threads
